Hellbore

We saw Hellboy in the theater back in 2004 — pre-blog, so I’ve never reviewed it here. Good movie. While I never felt that Hellboy or his pals were in any real danger, I still cared for them; in particular, the romance between Hellboy and Liz (Selma Blair) engaged me. Hellboy had so many things to make it special: Selma Blair, looking all smoky and goth; Ron Perlman, always a strong stage presence; John Hurt (guess how old he is. No, guess); Nazis awakening Cthulhu; Selma Blair; and Selma Blair. Selma Blair was really good in it, too.

It’s one of those movies we watch over and over again on cable; you know, a film that gets damn near everything right. So of course we were looking forward to Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

WARNING:

SPOILERS!

Here’s actor Luke Goss playing a disgruntled vampire no albino Goth chick guess again Tom Cruise NO! the evil elf Prince Nuada. He’s pissed off at humans because he’s listened to too much Joni Mitchell. I am not shitting you. His stated reason for icing his dad, the elf king, and starting a war on humans is that we build too many parking lots. Mmkay. So we’re to see Prince Nuada as Gaia’s avenging angel, I take it? Al Gore on steroids? Nosferatu with a jones for forest creatures? Whatever. His motivation is lacking. My son said it best: why is he doing this now?

My son also said: the biggest problem with this movie is, not enough cats.

My biggest problem with this movie: not enough Selma Blair, and too much Barry Manilow. Yes, Barry Manilow.

Our story thus far:

Hellboy’s a demon. He was sent to Earth to unlock the Gates of Hell or wake Cthulhu up or some such, but in the first movie, he decides to be a good boy and keep the giant tentacled creatures in space where they belong. He’s in a team with Selma Blair, a troubled soul with pyrokinesis who showers blue fire in the first movie and red fire in this one, and Abe Sapiens, a merman who needed a respirator to go about on dry land in the first movie and also in the first part of THIS movie, but who magically ceases to need that respirator oh about 1/3 into Hellboy II.

In an opening sequence involving actor John Hurt telling a reeeally ugly 10-year-old Hellboy a bedtime story, we learn (in an animated sequence which was, artistically, one of the movie’s high points) that the elves and humans warred against one another long ago, and that the elves were about to kick our asses thanks to an army of 4900 golden automatons. Think Qin warriors, only bigger and meaner. IIRC, the elven king has a change of heart and decides to put the automatons to sleep, thus willingly ceding the Earth to the humans, thus allowing the elves to sink into obscurity in the forests of the world, because, um, why, exactly? Beats me. I would have kicked those human asses.

Elf Prince Nuada has decided (again — why?) now’s the time to reawaken the army of golden warriors and slaughter all the humans. He’s opposed by his father, whom Nuada quickly dispatches, and his twin sister Nuala, whom he can’t dispatch so easily because whatever harm befalls one twin also befalls the other.

The moment we know (A) what cuts Nuada cuts Nuala, and vice versa, and (B) Abe is in love with Nuala, the ending becomes obvious. We reach this moment about thirty minutes into the movie. At that point, I had only one question. Would director Guillermo del Toro find a way to make the obvious ending surprising, and would he milk it for every bit of poignancy possible?

Sadly, the answer is NO on both counts. del Toro fumbles the balance between humor and drama, siding much more in favor of cheap one-liners and uncomfortably broad scenes (Abe and Hellboy sharing a drunken rant about women, for example) than with character development and intelligent character-driven plotting. Consequently, dramatic moments fall flat. Are we really supposed to feel Liz and Hellboy’s angst that people don’t like them? Are we supposed to get choked up when Nuala makes the inevitable sacrifice?

And wouldn’t it have been nice, for once, if del Toro had eschewed the predictable? Again, my son had a great point: why not let the elven prince and princess live? So now the Earth is doomed to death by parking lots, is that it?

Karen’s biggest problem with the movie: no drama.

It’s an entertaining but ultimately forgettable sequel. Certain bits I liked a lot — the opening animation, the troll market, and the bit towards the end where Hellboy & Company meet up with a legless something-or-other and enter the guts of a stone golem (or rock elemental? I’m not sure) to find the Golden Warriors. There’s a spooky death character down there, who would be really really cool except he’s too reminiscent of the fantastical creations in del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth. Also fun: ectoplasmic gas creature Johann Krauss, voiced with gusto by Family Guy‘s Peter Griffin (Seth MacFarlane). No, you can’t tell it’s the same guy.

Oh, and there’s the obligatory setup for a sequel, too, since Death tells Liz she just screwed the pooch and Hellboy’s gonna destroy the world. Or something like that. Since the movie’s making big box office, Hellboy III is inevitable.

Am I looking forward to it?

You betcha.

D.