Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
And the winner is . . .
One long-ass paragraph:
After waxing the racing stripes on my woody, she buffed my chassis with hands as smooth as a chamois. I compensated by adjusting her headlights and performing a tune-up, revving her engine until it purred. Her wheels flanking my underbody, I inserted my dipstick to make sure she was sufficiently lubed, then scoped out her spark plugs with my diagnostic tool. She lost all cruise control then, begging for more torque and increased acceleration, pushing me beyond the speed limit with a flagrant disregard for improved gas mileage. No problem with my 6-speed manual transmission. I greased her rear spoiler before she clamped her fenders around my exhaust outlet. I almost lost it while tailgating her, but managed to keep my tire properly inflated. I shifted into gear, applying my hydraulic clutch, which sent her anti-lock braking system into overdrive. Traction control became difficult with all the skidding and fishtailing. Then our radiators started to steam so we flipped on the defoggers. When her bucket seat lurched, I ratcheted her safety belt as my rod pistoned her battery. I thrust into fourth gear with a powerful gas emission, blew my horn, and burned rubber across the finish line.
Daisy, I’ll be emailing you just as soon as I figure out how to do a Barnes & Noble gift certificate. Thanks to all for playing!
D.
Congratulations to Daisy! I’m not surprised. The woman writes some wicked strong sex…er parody. Both.
Now that’s what I call a great way to start the week! Honestly, there’s nothing like waking up on a Monday morning to find that I’ve become The Reigning Queen of Bad Sex Writing! Just till my husband hears about this. He’ll be getting that chamois out lickety-split. LOL
I can’t tell you how much fun I had with this contest, Doug. I hope you make it an annual thing–so I can win it every year and maintain my crown! :-0
As I humbly accept this well-deserved award I would like to thank all of the little people who made it possible, all of the bad sex writers who can only hope to aspire to the spectacular magnitude of my inimitable badness.
I am not worthy.
Oh wait…yes I am. *snicker* I am THE QUEEN!
Congratulations, Daisy. Your entry was really good. Oh excuse me…your entry was really bad…or…your entry was the goodest baddest.
And I’ll never see a carwash in the same way again.
On one hand: I DIDN’T WIN GRRRRAAAAR.
On the other hand: The best entry won, and dammit, that’s who I voted for, too.
Congrats, Daisy. Your entry was wicked funny and wicked awful.
Hey Doug–(and everyone in the world who reads his blog) hop over to my blog when you get a chance. My latest post is devoted to you and the fact that you and your damnable blog drive me CRAZY!
And, well, the post might also happen to mention the fact that I WON THE CONTEST, too. 😀
Daisy, I’m on my way. Rest of y’all: sorry you didn’t win, but I loved every entry. Except for that one with the knives. Yeeeech.
Congrats, Daisy. You know how to take a metaphor into overdrive.