Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Research
One of the advantages of writing science fiction which is, in truth, a satire on pop culture: I can buy OK! magazine and write it off on my taxes. Or, rather, I could write it off on my taxes if I could ever manage to make any money at this writing biz.
I have to ask myself: which celebrities do I pick on? Madonna and Cher are so yesterday. Paris and Britney have become too pathetic, too self-satirized. People still idolize Brangelina and they still think of Jen as one of their friends and oh, isn’t it so sad how heartbroken she is? There’s emotional investment all around with the Jenbrangelina story, whereas with Partney, who cares? Leave Partney alone, I say. Besides, after you’ve seen some drugged out rich girl’s much-abused stubbly va-jay-jay* in a high rez jpeg, there’s not much else to say.
Inevitably, I’m getting caught up in the Brangelaniston story, too. I’m a sucker for broken hearts and unrequited love, and (even if she is blonde) my heart goes out to a girl who looks like the girl next door, even if my girl next door, growing up, was a sixty-something-year-old nurse. Jen, if I weren’t married, I’d be there for ya, babe.
From OK! . . .
Though she did celebrate her birthday earlier this week with some of the cast and crew of the film, a friend of the actress tells OK!, “Almost every night when she finishes work, Jen goes back to her hotel and eats and drinks by herself. Just as often, her evening is a drink and a book. It’s pretty much what she does most nights in L.A.”
And when she is in L.A., friends say Jen spends most of her time with her white German Shephard Dolly, who she adopted in 2006.
Whom she adopted. But can I use the Jen and Dolly story? You betcha.
Sorry to take advantage of your angst, Jen, but if it’s any consolation, you’re going to be one of the good guys.
D.
*Va-jay-jay: my new word. Stay tuned for the Thursday Cosmo Thirteen: the Va-jay-jay Edition. I wish I were making that up.
On the other hand, Paris and Britney are still good for cheap traffic.
But, I don’t think that’s tax-deductible.
va-jay-jay rocks. in my room we call it a vaj for short 🙂 as in, my vaj hurts. hehe.
speaking of vajes, if you ever get the chance to see the vagina monologues (or there’s a book too, by eve ensler) you should. it’s frikkin’ AMAZING. you’d appreciate it. 🙂
I’m so proud of myself…I already knew what va-jay-jay meant.
How about ragging on Tilda Swinson’s look at the Oscars? Someone called her gown interesting, and she said, “wow, there’s a euphemisim.” The gown would have been bad enough, but the Wendy’s red hair…
dan: haven’t you heard about Britney’s driving skills? Not sure how good she is for traffic. Ayuk yuk yuk yuk . . .
shaina: yes, but how do they talk? I suppose they just flap their lips. Ba da ba bam!
sis: Tilda who? *cymbal smash*
Why must folks mash-up names to create one entity? I would never wish to be mashed-up with my name and my Husband’s name, for one it would end up rude, but to lose my own identity would be so sad! Sure I took his name when we got married, but I ask you: Isn’t that enough? Did it really start with Jennifer Lopez and…what’s his name? The hair plug guy…I am going to have to IMDB it to remember. Ah yes, Ben Affleck; Bennifer. Was that the start of Hollywood hook-ups being cutsied and belittled. Sure, no one would ever bet on everlasting matrimony on any one of these relationships, and maybe it’s the public’s way of saying “Yeah right.” but…what if it does last? Will they be branded “Brangelina” forever??
Partney is just super wrong on many levels.
Dude! I saw that issue on the supermarket checkout stand and actually had to walk back and look again.
Is Cosmo the glossy mag of the hip thirteen-year-old-girl, or what?
Let’s see, if we mashed up me and my wife (who kept her maiden name), then we would be Duckishima. Or Karman, which has a bit more appeal.
FDChief: my theory is that most purchasers are male. We buy it for those TWENTY-ONE NEW SEX TIPS! (only to find out the author has been collecting scraps from the local mohel).
I’m rather partially to “woo-woo”, which I believe was the term of art on perezhilton.com. No, I’ve never checked out the site, but read about it in, I believe, the truly high-brow Vanity Fair (I get it for the rich people true crime stories). So, naturally, I had to ask all my co-workers about said term and see who knew/guessed it. To the credit of the members of my non-statistically significant sample, it wasn’t widely known. I don’t think it’s as dignified as va-jay-jay, but then woo-woo sets a low bar.
I take it ‘woo-woo’ is the feminine form of the noun ‘wee-wee’?
The actress who won best supporting for her role in Michael Clayton.
Symbol Clash? Wha?!
cymbal smash
That was my backup band for my Catskills routine.
Oh, never mind . . .