Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Bless your heart
Corn Dog has been helping me with my Southern dialect. Lisa, the heroine of my WiP, is a North Carolina girl and had damn well better talk like one. I decided today she was going to blow up at Steven Spielberg (not the real one — oh, never mind) and I wanted her to do that ol’ Southern thing of saying “bless your heart” followed by some nasty jab. The one I chose, I pulled off the web, but maybe someone can offer up something better. Here’s the dialog. “He” is Spielberg. Sort of.
He pointed at Lisa. “Get her inside. Let her see her kid, then put her on ice for the night.â€
She blinked a few times, did a mental playback, decided to count to ten, decided three was high enough, then spat fire.
“My kid?†she said, or roared, really, loud enough she was sure she had his attention. “Why, Mr. Spielberg, bless your heart, you must be nuttier than squirrel shit if you think I’m too dumb to use birth control. I’m flabbergasted. You think I’m some dumb crack whore who’s a granny before she turns twenty-eight? Billy Ray is my brother, you hear? And if you and your carnival freak show harm one hair on his head, I’ll make it my life’s work to make y’all more miserable than ticks on a –â€
And so forth. I’m not sure where those ticks would be; thank God Spielberg interrupts her at this point.
Corn Dog sent me this news story about Billy Long, a Tennessee sheriff arrested for extortion. The story and video are fun, but the comment thread is a hoot. I watched the video; I don’t see any people “of color” there, just a bunch of white talking heads. So who does one commenter blame?
My husband is a Chattanooga police officer and there are still good guys that are in law enforcement. The problem is that they are promoted based on who they know and what skin color they have.
So this sheriff is shaking down ethnic Indian convenience store clerks for money — here, let’s make it simple: a white dude in power is extorting brown people — and who’s to blame? The brown people! Different brown people, I imagine, the ones in the police department. But still.
Whoops. Corn Dog tells me I’m wrong: the letter-writer’s husband is probably not white, and she’s complaining about the Department’s policy of promoting white people. Ew. That’s quite a bit worse. I had assumed this was a rant against affirmative action.
Moving on,
THIS CAME AS SHOCK TO ME TO FIND OUT THAT BEHIND HIS BRIGHT BLUE (ALMOST WHITE) EYES, WAS ANY FORM OF DECEPTION. AND THROUGH ALL THIS NEGATIVITY, I WILL SAY “GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY BILLY”. IF HE IS GUILTY, I HOPE HE HAS LEARNED HIS LESSON. IF NOT, GOD SPEED TO GET HIM OUT. BLESS HIS HEART.
White eyes. How could he possibly be corrupt? And she manages to work in one more “bless his heart” before it’s all over.
Interesting phrase, “bless your heart.” It’s multipurpose, not unlike “fuck.” It can either mean “bless your heart,” or it can be used as a prelude to the lowest of insults.
This was good:
I hope the shady oompa loompa stays in prison. Maybe he can learn propper grammar while he’s in there.
The oompa loompa in question is Billy Long, a white guy. Confusing. But I, too, hope he’ll learn propper grammar.
Buyer’s remorse:
Well so much for YOU CANT GO WRONG WITH BILLY LONG. I did and am now ashamed for it.
Well, I don’t want to spoil the rest of the thread for you.
Darla, I’m still thinking about that meme. Watch the smoke coming out of my ears. See? That’s some hard thinking 🙂
D.
Billy Long should run for office, major office with a slogan like that. and u know im country, i ca help a lil bit (im finna) read the paper now LOL
Steven Spielberg (not the real one — oh, never mind)
So, Señor Spielbergo, his non-union Mexican equivalent?
Dear God, there really is a Simpson reference for every single thing in the world.
OMG! I thought the original news story was funny, but I laughed at this blog entry until tears rolled down my face – literally. I am so ashamed. Bless my heart.
rdb: especially now he has a criminal record. Everyone knows the worst about him — no one can hurt him now!
Pat: in my universe, there’s a synthetic equivalent for every bankable talent. And if you cease to be bankable? Then they send the blade runners out after you. (Kidding, kidding . . . I’m not THAT big a thief.)
CD: thanks. Bless your heart, I owe it all to you.
Bless your heart, Doug–it’s not that tough. (ducking)
As a North Carolinian with a degree in Language Arts, maybe I can help. My best advice would be to advise you against the pitfall that too many writers fall into when writing southern characters. Don’t overdo it. Of course the location of the line between overdoing it and getting it right depends on lots of things. Where in NC is your character from? How old is she? What is her ethnic and socioeconomic background? How much education does she have? Were her parents educated? You can do good generic southern without figuring in all of those factors, but if you want North Carolinians to sit up and say “Damn straight! That boy did his research!†you have to dig pretty deep, but probably no deeper than you have already dug in your character development.
Thanks, Karibelle! If it’s okay with you, this evening I’ll try to remember to email you a few snatches of dialog.
To answer your questions: Lisa lives spitting distance from the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. She’s lower middle class, sixteen, bright but no genius (solid B student). She reads lots and lots of e-books. Father is out of the picture, mother is nearly out of the picture, too — Lisa thinks she’s a nurse’s aid, working two jobs, but she may be on the wrong side of the law.
Send it any tme. I will be happy to help.
Tonight, karibelle, I promise.
Dangit, Doug! If you’d stuck her at the foot of the ‘Ozark Mountains’ I might coulda helped you out.
I know squat about North Carolina. I will tell you my all time favorite “country girl from Missouri” saying, though [well, next to “Colder than a well-digger’s ass,” which is what the temperature is like here in Missouri right now].
“I’m just sayin'” that’s my favorite. I think it’s a lot like ‘Bless your heart’ [which my Grandma used to say all the time, but I never liked much] because you can say absolutely anything in the world, and make it okay with “I’m just sayin’…”
Example: “Those have got to be the fugliest freaking shoes I’ve ever seen on a real human being, Mom”…[mom looks offended or slaps you, to which you respond] “I’m just sayin’… [then rubbing your head, you say] “Dang woman, you slap me for lyin’ and for tellin’ the truth!” [and then, if you’re wise, you run for the chicken house until dark].
🙂