Thirteen cures for insomnia

Because somewhere in the world, it’s already Thursday.

!!! WARNING !!!

It never fails: whenever I write a medical thirteen, someone wanders in from my medical website, assumes he’s reading a serious medical article, and stumbles over a rim job or an F-bomb. And then it’s unprofessional-this and never-in-all-my-days-that. My loyal readers know what a potty mouth I am, but these drive-bys, what do we do about them?

So. Newcomers. Chill out. This is a humor blog (more often than not), and while I may not always be funny, and some may never find me funny, funny is my goal. If my readers learn a thing or two in the process, that’s great, but it ain’t the point.

And besides, I don’t think I drop any F-bombs or rim jobs in the items below . . . although a well executed example of either could make anyone warm and toasty and ready for bed.

Ahem.

Below the cut: thirteen things to put you to sleep.

When it comes to treating my insomnia, I’ve never had much luck with my doctors. Either they try to get me hooked on benzodiazepines, or on crap that turns me into a psycho. So on a recent sleepless night, I had a brilliant thought: I need a shaman.

1. Mulungu “is considered to be an excellent sedative to calm agitation and nervous coughs and to treat other nervous system problems including insomnia and anxiety. It also is widely used for asthma, bronchitis, gingivitis, hepatitis, inflammation of the liver and spleen, intermittent fevers, and to clear obstructions in the liver.”

Amazing, isn’t it, how nostrums are always so good at treating at least a half dozen common maladies? I wonder when the big pharmaceutical companies will figure out how to get a piece of that action.

2. Gyan Mudra, the Yogic Tranquilizer.

“Stimulates the Root chakra, and grounds. Calms and improves concentration.”

I keep telling Karen, “You don’t understand. You NEED TO STIMULATE MY ROOT CHAKRA. Do that, and I’ll sleep like a baby.” But does she listen? Nooooo. It’s always, “Not tonight. My Crown Chakra hurts.”

Much more of that, and I’m going to make her practice her Downward Facing Dog.

3. I need to suppress my yang.

From Acupuncture.com:

For asthenia-syndrome, the therapy of tonifying the liver and kidneys, benefiting qi and nourishing blood should be used; and for sthenia-syndrome, that of relieving dyspepsia and regulating middle jiao, clearing away fire and eliminating phlegm ought to be adopted. Moreover, drugs for tranquilizing may be added selectively, e.g., the drugs for calming the liver and suppressing yang such as Os Draconis, Dens Draconis, Magnetitum, etc., those for calming the heart such as Cinnabaris, those for reliving terror such as Succinum and those for nourishing the heart such as Semen Ziziphi Spinosae, Semen Biotae, Caulis Polygoni Multiflori, etc.

I’ll bet you thought I was kidding. And, um, is it safe to be eating that much semen before bedtime?

4. The Kitchen Sink

This part ain’t funny. I don’t know if these drugs killed Heath Ledger, but I’ll bet they didn’t help. From TMZ.com:

NYPD sources tell TMZ that nearly full pill bottles containing the anti-anxiety medications Alprazolam (Xanax), Diazepam (Valium) and Lorazepam (Ativan) were found in the apartment. The sleeping medication Zoplicone (Lunesta) and the sedative Temazepam (Restoril) — which is used by people with “debilitating insomnia” — were also found.

A later report says the pill bottles were nearly full. Two observations from this doctor’s POV: (A) ALL of those meds are used to treat insomnia, and (B) even if he only took one pill from each bottle — likely well within the allowed dosage for each — that is one hellish cocktail of sleepers.

Everyone knows you’re not supposed to combine alcohol with sleepers. It’s usually on the label, for heaven’s sake. But how many people realize they shouldn’t combine prescription drugs that are all intended for the same purpose? It’s common sense to me, but I’m not Joe Lay Public.

Heath, fellow insomniac, your death is a damned shame. Someone should have taken better care of you.

5. And while we’re talking prescription drugs . . .

Take eszopiclone, for example (Lunesta). Like most of the prescription sleepers, Lunesta’s warnings state the drug can affect your judgment, your ability to drive, and your ability to function the next day. It’s potentially addictive and withdrawal can occur if you take it too many days in a row. (Unfortunately, many of us insomniacs needs something we can take EVERY night.) It can interact with other drugs. Alcohol? Forget about it.

This is dangerous shit. But legal. Seriously — this crap is legal, and marijuana isn’t? Speaking of which,

6. Marijuana. Is it a good sleeper or not? Apparently, it’s controversial. I can think of a few problems with pot, though: (A) the smoke is nasty. Who wants to go to sleep with a scratchy throat? (B) On the other hand, if you make brownies, the chocolate will act as a stimulant, and the fat and chocolate content will rev up your reflux. (C) Oh, and it’s illegal, and in Amerika, it’s baaaaad and if you smoke it you’re a baaaaad person who deserves to go to jail for a loooong time. So let’s stick to legal drugs. Like,

7. Alcohol.

Quick, what do you think: is booze a good sleeper, or not?

Some insomniacs think it is: “[S]tudies have shown that 28 percent of those who complain of insomnia reported using alcohol to help them sleep.” But what’s the truth of the matter?

I know! We’ll ask the Dream Doctor.

Is alcohol a reasonable tool to help treat insomnia?

Unfortunately for insomnia sufferers, the best professional opinion says no. It is true that a drink or two can help us fall asleep initially, but invariably we pay for it later. After three hours of sleep, the alcohol in our system begins to dehydrate us, which in turn causes frequent awakenings and lighter, less restful sleep. Also, if we are borderline candidates for having sleep apnea—a dangerous condition where we experience difficulty breathing and maintaining oxygen levels during sleep—alcohol will exacerbate the condition.

Sound advice. But who is this Dream Doctor?

Ah. He administers sleep studies. Okay, I’ll grant that “Dream Doctor” is a better moniker than “Polysomnograph Peruser,” but still. Doctor?

8. Feng shui.

I wish I were making this up. Really.

9. Massage.

How do I tell if it’s a good massage? I fall asleep. So it doesn’t surprise me that massage is third on this list of 41 suggestions to help you get to sleep. Other ideas offered on this website include yawning, toe wiggling, stomach rubbing, sleeping with your head pointing north, and sleeping with your head pointing south.

10. Colonic irrigation with coffee.

With . . . with coffee? Seriously? Folks, you can absorb caffeine through your skin, so you can damn well absorb it through your colon. How the hell is a coffee enema going to cure your insomnia?
Whatever.

11. Herbal baths.

Many insomnia sites recommend a warm bath. Many more recommend herbs such as chamomile, valerian, or hops. Why not combine the two into a soothing herbal bath?

Why not indeed!

1. Fill a muslin bag with chamomile, linden flowers, or lavender, and hang it from the faucet so that the hot water runs through it.

2. Massage with St. John’s wort oil and herbal baths before retiring to calm and relax the body. Add lavender, fir needle, yarrow or valerian infusion to bath water.

3. Pour one liter (two pints) of boiling water over two handfuls of the dried root of valerian and leave it for twenty-five minutes. Strain liquid and add to bath. Take bathe before going to bed.

Beats a Caramel Macchiato enema any day of the week.

At least make it a warm one.

12. Over the counter meds.

Here in the States, you got your choice of two: diphenhydramine (Benadryl, Tylenol PM, etc.) and Doxylamine (Sominex, I think). According to the American Association of Sleep Medicine (AASM) position statement, “OTC sleep aids that contain antihistamine are approved by the FDA only for “occasional sleeplessness” by people who have trouble “falling asleep.” These products are not intended to be used for more than a few nights or for severe cases of insomnia.”

Whoops. Until recently, I’ve taken a half benadryl (12.5 mg) every night to help me get to sleep for, oh, ten years? Something like that. A long time. And look at me — I’m normal!

If you’re new to the blog and you’re wondering what I’m using for insomnia at present, it’s Rozerem, a melatonin receptor agonist. Think of it as Melatonin Plus. No hangover, no noticeable side effects, but I’m afraid to find out how much this stuff costs. At present, I’m still using the samples.

For my last cure, I could discuss the AASM’s recommended treatment (CBT — cognitive behavioral therapy), or I could close with my recommended treatment.

13. Sex.

“Either alone or with others,” says that list of 41 insomnia cures linked above. I prefer “with others” (yeah, plural would be cool) but I’m not above “alone.”

According to Benetton Talk, this puppy was the first take-home vibrator. What? You doubt my ability to put it to good use? To quote a man who doubtless knows his vibrators, Don’t misunderestimate me.

Leave a comment, and I’ll give ya some lurve. When? I don’t know! But I will!

Dan, if I have to jump bungees, I am NOT in.

After a hiatus, Tam has been posting like mad.

Lyvvie needs a sauna

I’m with you on the mac & cheese, Dean

Darla number-crunches her blog

Shaina’s 13 photos from the SexoDrome!

D.