Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Bodily woes
Today, in the wee hours of the morning, I could picture the headlines . . .
Local Doctor Bleeds to Death From Ass
Family Grateful for Life Insurance Policy
. . . but as you may have guessed, I’m still here to write about it.
Back in med school, I remember reading a study which showed surgeons are gifted when it comes to blaming others for their fuck-ups. In that spirit, I blame Karen for last night’s stomach problems.
It’s my wife’s fault, because she finally got tired of tiramisu and said yes when I suggested I make a tres leches cake. (Tres leches, that’s Spanish. It means, Three ways for lactose intolerance to torture your bowels.) It’s my wife’s fault for not polishing off the cake fast enough. And while I’m at it, Karen, why didn’t you remind me to take my Lactaid? Lactaid works very well for lactose intolerance. Or so I’m told. I have yet to remember to take the stuff.
According to the Wikipedia entry, my chances of being lactose intolerant are about 70%, and my wife’s chances, 90%. Somehow, she dodged the bullet. I do fine with cheese and yogurt, but ice cream seems to be hit or miss. (I guess it depends on whether the manufacturer has added milk solids to the product.) Since I used lactose-free whole milk for the tres leches cake, it must have been the evaporated milk and/or the sweetened condensed milk.
I do okay with Vietnamese iced coffee, however. So it must be the evaporated milk.
Upshot, I got about three hours of sleep this morning, and I’m one tired camper right now. I feel like Roseanne Rosannadanna.
It’s always something. If it’s not your uvula swelling up to the size of a golf ball trying to choke you, it’s your rectum declaring war on your transverse colon.
I thought I was gonna die.
D.
#1: I don’t foresee a day when I could say I was tired of tiramisu.
#2: My happiness is inversely related to my knowledge about your bowel.
Of course, if I’d stopped reading at Local Doctor Bleeds to Death From Ass, I’d be happier and more ignorant. However, despite not being a surgeon*, I’m going to play the blame-transfer game. My unhappiness is your fault, because you wrote a hook I couldn’t resist. Damn your black heart anyways.
____
* I did dissect a fetal pig and a cow’s eyeball, in Grade 10 Biology, but I don’t suppose that counts for much.
Hmm. I thought I had shown great restraint, Pat; there was that whole descriptive passage I thought my readers could live without 😉
As for the tiramisu? Try eating tiramisu daily for about a month and you’ll be sick of it, too. I succeeded in getting Karen’s weight up, though.
I can’t eat more than a small spoonful of tiramisu in a sitting. No, lemme rephrase that… I can only eat one small spoonful of tiramisu within any single potentially lengthy period of time wherein I have since forgotten that I had, yes, tried tiramisu before. Which will likely not come again in my conscious lifetime. Because I was encouraged to try some while out with my editor and I had to make nice. And no one warned me of the secret devil ingredient.
The shit has coffee in it and coffee is NASTY. NAS-TEEE.
Rancid, burnt, Satan’s testicles NASTY.
Shudder.
People actually like it. Eee-yuck.
My dear, some of us are actually ADDICTED to it.
(Not me. No coffee yesterday and no ill effects, aside from tiredness. Karen, if she misses her coffee, gets caffeine withdrawal headaches.)
I can’t think of anything witty to say, but I can commiserate…after eating “fire feta” at a Greek restaurant, I paid for that at both ends. Then, on another occasion, after eating a Japanese noodle bowl with enough MSG to choke an elephant)I paid again with nausea so bad I had to crawl to the bathroom. And today’s topper: looks like I have acid reflux too like the rest of our family…can you say Nexium?
No, but I can say Prilosec.
Prilosec!
Don’t buy the drug company’s hype. For nearly everyone, Prilosec is every bit as good as Nexium, and far cheaper.
lactose intolerance is a bitch. i thought i had mine under control, but thenb all of a sudden i would take two of my little pills and eat some mac and cheese and then twenty minutes later be all bloated and gassy and uncomfortable anyways. i used to be able to have a small piece of cheese with no ill effects; not so now. i didnt know it could progress! but apparently it has. i now have to take 3-5 of the little pills to get any effect at all. ugh.
It can definitely progress. I think mine was caused by the Atkins Diet, which I did back in ’04 and ’05. I ate cheese but avoided the carb-rich dairy products. When I tried going back, whammo.
Okay…Prilosec…too bad I didn’t know sooner; I would have suggested it to the doctor…30 Nexium tablets? $172! Thank goodness for insurance which will cover a large chunk of that. Next time, Prilosec.
I would feel sorry for you but I was laughing so hard at the post. Quit writing comedy and you’ll get more sympathy.
gracias, CD.
Happy to report that my colon and I have been at peace for a couple of days now 🙂