Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Here be yer pirate romance. Arrr.
A Pirates Dilemma, Part the First
Taint easy being grizzled as a cockswain’s dungbie, I tell ye, and me with a leg o’ teak from the knee down. The eye patch don’t help at all, neither. Of late, it seems I can only wet me beak in the back end of a cackle, or in the bunghole of a portside beauty with fewer eyes than me. Imagine me surprise, mates, when I stirred meself one morning and found not one but two beauties casting hopeful eyes on me sorely underused mizzenmast.
But I be gettin’ ahead of meself. Name is Wood, me friends. They calls me Morning Wood, on account o’ I rise before the cock crows and I be barking orders before the sun peeps out her shiny eye. We’d just taken a fine haul, having scuttled Her Majesty’s ship The Drake off the Ivory Coast, and I was of a mind to give me men some much needed shore leave. And, truth be told, I longed for a fine young maiden of indiscriminate tastes to shiver me timbers right well.
We put anchor at the Port of Sassandra. So many bronze beauties lined up at the docks, I figured I had to be in Davy’s grip to be this close to Paradise. Old Stella herself met me at The Blinkered Eye — that be right, Stella of the Ivory Coast’s most famous house o’ ill repute, The Jolliest Roger. Stella had so many rolls of flesh, twas said she could satisfy the whole Spanish Armada with nary a risk to her honor.
“Ahoy, Wood!” she cried. It tickles her fancy to talk like a pirate, it did. “Is that a hornpipe in your pocket, or do you be glad to see me?” Sadly, she ain’t too good at it.
“Darlin’, how would you like a ride on the Cap’n’s Fo’c’s’le?”
“That be a fine proposal, Wood, but I’ll do you one better. I have me some new blood, I do, and I’d be honored if you’d inspect the merchandise.”
“Inspect the merchandise? What do you take me for, woman, a common water-clerk? I be here to find meself a good time –“
Old Stella sighed. “I meant, how would you like to get laid? Really laid? Not just a roll in the hay with my pet sheep.”
I was as stunned as if I’d been clogged on the head by sodden oar.
“You mean it, woman? A real dame, one of the human persuasion?”
“Two X chromosomes and all, Cap’n.”
That one went over me head, but I liked the sound of it all the same.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Arr, me first comment and it’s a blasted spammer! On my ship, ye’d be keelhauled, that you would. And how did ye outwit me spam protection?
Ahoy, matey. Laughed so hard my sides stove in. Bravo!
(Am not a spammer, but can throw Spam if needed.)
http://www.radiolondon.co.uk/otherwaves/itlapd/itlapdshanty.html
In honaaaar of ITLAPD, we at Radio London felt it was time to write our own pirate shanty.
(To the tune of
‘My Favourite Things’)
Cutlasses, peg-legs an’
all sorts of riggin’
Plunder and pillage and treasure for diggin’
Biscuits with weevils and jellyfish stings,
These arr a few o’ my favourite things.
Huge jolly rogers an’ salty sea breezes
Feedin’ the sharks with yer enemy’s kneesies
Populaar shanties wot pirate guys sings,
These arr a few o’ my favourite things.
Big ‘andsome wenches with bosoms like boulders
Bad-tempered parrots wot crap on yer shoulders
Stuffin’ me guts wi’ fried albatross wings,
These arr a few o’ my favourite things.
When the shark bites
When the mast snaps
When I’ve drunk me pay,
I simply remembaarr to talk like a pirate
And everythin’ goes OK!
Lyrics copyright Mary
Payne 2005, wi’ apologies ta Rodgers and Hammerstein, and Julie
Andrews
Spam only be good for chum, I tell ye true.
Good one, Kate. Arrr! I love the old time shanties, I do.
Aye was going to try and talk like a pirate, but to my ‘ear ’tis sounding like a Yorkshireman!
Arrhh, it grieves me greatly aye was ignorant today be pirate day! As ’tis near dark for me, an’ aye could a had a pile of fun wiff the school marms!
(Good grief, that took me ages to type, but you’ve given me the best laugh I’ve had all day!) Thanks, Doug :o)
I am the very model of a modern pirate gentleman,
I eat with fingers black as coal and scratch myself agin’ agin’
With one-eyed glares and salty togs I brave the seas tempestuous,
Always on the lookout for brave natives of indigenous…
Needs work, I’ll be the first to admit. Throw some Spam to me sharkies, me hearties… or was it hearties to me Spammies?
*suffering pirate Tourette’s*
Doug me matey, you write like you have actual pirate blood in you, what be your secret matey?
Gotta go! Land ho men!