Thirteen Things I Learned From Cosmo: the Jessica Alba Edition

I don’t have a normal life. No doctor does. Ours is a calling that balances sacrifice with privilege, and it is for each physician to decide, at the end of the day or at the end of a career, if it has all been worthwhile. I’m not a regretful man (much), but like any doctor, I’m so distant from the mainstream of humanity that I sometimes forget the things that are truly important.

And that’s why I always return to Cosmo — to keep me grounded.

This month’s teasers include:

• His #1 SEX Fantasy. His. Not mine. Although I wouldn’t toss this sex fantasy out of bed for laying refried bean farts.
• Could Your Man Be Gay? That totally ripped plumber you found him in bed with last week might be a clue!
• “My Boyfriend Didn’t Change His Boxers for 3 Months!” Stop writing letters to Cosmo, Mom. And . . .
• JESSICA FRICKIN’ ALBA. Maybe we’ll find out if she has a thing for married, middle-aged, balding hobbits.

1. Nothing about hobbits, but Jessica Alba says she likes “Nerdy, Funny” guys. Well, I don’t know, Jess. I appreciate all the attention but I think I’d prefer a gal with more back. Admittedly, though, the front makes up for it.

Whoops. She also says she would never date a “racist, sexist, mean spirited” guy. Did I just disqualify myself on 2 out of 3? And if that weren’t bad enough, she says she has never dated outside her species.

2. Some men have screwed-up priorities. From Guy Confessions,

. . . When we got to her house, she invited me in, and knowing what that implied, I gladly accepted. She led me in and started to take off her shirt. But as he pulled it over her head, I noticed that she had more armpit hair than I did. I was so grossed out that, before she even had her shirt off, I mumbled an excuse about being late for something and ran out of there!”

—Jerome, 26

Let me get this straight. You were gonna get laid, and you were put off by armpit hair?

Hang on. Let me check something.

Yup, I’m reading Guy Confessions and not Could Your Man Be Gay? Go figure.

You gotta problem wid dat?

3. Help, I’m being stalked by Vera Wang’s army of brain dead zombies!

Someone please FYI Vera: heroin chic is so 1990s. But it’s not just heroin chic: in this six-page ad for her new “SimplyVera” line, Ms. Wang’s models all seem afflicted by brain-eating bacteria. Consider:

• Nearly all of them are looking to their left. Up and to the left, most commonly, although Ms. Sullen With The Darkly Ringed Eyes is looking right at me. And, yup, I’m positioned to her left.

• Their facial expressions suggest a devastating loss of frontal cortex.

• They’re dancing. Or prancing. In the first photo, a cute doggie looks on with evident concern at his knock-kneed, vacant-eyed, left-and-up-looking mistress. He’s wondering if she’ll be able to make him his dinner. Or maybe he’s wondering how soon she will be his dinner.

I want to know, for whom is she designing? Surely not for the young women who model her clothing, since in these fashions, they are SEXLESS. On the other hand, perhaps this brain virus has made them lose all interest in carnality.

4. The Man Manual: because some women need to read the documentation.

Honestly, do you really need to be told that a timid kiss “seems chaste, but it might mean he’s unsure of how to heat things up”? Or that a guy who pouts and seethes when describing a fight with a coworker might pull the same bullshit with you? Or that guys like a gal with a sense of humor?

Enough with Relationships for Dummies. Cosmo needs to stick to what it does best: come up with bogus “new” sex moves that are tedious rearrangements of last month’s bogus “new” sex moves. To wit,

5. I crave an aggressive woman who will tie me up. Yes, that’s their answer to “His #1 SEX Fantasy.” Nothing about a dozen sweaty cheerleaders, or whips, or adjustable wireless multi-speed vibrating nipple clamps, or queening stools, or tantric sex camp.

These authors have no imagination.

6. Cosmo For Your Guy: Argument Avoidance 101.

Cool mini-article, actually. Cosmo’s writers tell guys how to respond to common fight-baiting questions.

SHE SAYS: “Do I look fat in this?”

YOU SAY: “Not at all. Your boobs look great in that dress.”

Clever response. The simple “No” is too defensive, while the suggested response redirects with a compliment. But when it comes to compliments, why not go with something which combines honesty, acceptance, and passion?

I say: “Sure, but I dig fat chicks.” That would work, wouldn’t it?

SHE SAYS: “Think Jane is cute?”

YOU SAY: “Yeah, but she’s bony.”

Cosmo sez that a flat-out denial won’t be believed. “‘You have to acknowledge that the girl is attractive but make it seem like it’s not enough to turn your head,’ says” some PhD or another who has written a book.

(I don’t get it. I have a PhD, and I’ve written a book. Haven’t published it yet, but still. And I’ve written extensively on Cosmo. Why don’t they come to me for a comment? They’re getting a comment whether they like it or not.)

I say: “What, you thinking of a threesome?”

Simple. Direct. Noncommittal. And she might say “Yes.”

7. How, indeed?

From the Letters section:

“I was disappointed that the ‘Getting in the Zone’ part of the article ‘Your Orgasm—Guaranteed’ encouraged women to imagine getting it on with another man. You say there is no guilt to it, but how do you think a Cosmo girl would feel if her guy was imagining himself doing the deed with another woman?”

I don’t think I’ve ever done this. I never take sex for granted, so I’m usually too overwhelmed by surprise and gratitude to start fantasizing about other women. Hey, that’s what masturbation is for.

Would I be bothered if she were fantasizing about another guy? I doubt it. My philosophy of sex can be summed up in two words: whatever works.

8. Sorry, Jordache, but I prefer breasts WITH nipples.

I’d like to know what kind of artist airbrushes all the humanity out of his model. Don’t believe me? Look:

I have a confession to make: as a child, I never tongued Barbie’s formless groin. Just didn’t do it for me, I’m afraid.

When my sister reads this, I’m sure she’ll be very relieved.

9. Penelope Cruz has it.

She’s 33, making movies, and apparently has to do L’Oreal ads for Cosmo for, I dunno, pin money. She shares a birthday with Jessica Alba, who is 26. Sorry, Jess. You’re hot, but Penelope burns.

Oh, but yuck . . . I just reread one of my old Cosmo Thirteens, and that reminded me, she used to screw Tom Cruise. On the one hand, this means she doesn’t have any hangups about horrifically short men. On the other hand, she used to screw Tom Cruise.

Well. Maybe it was all for show, eh?

10. Now, this is funny.

The September Cosmo is worth buying for two articles: the serious one on “gray rape,” and Waaay Too Much Information. (That gray rape article is worth its own post, so I’m going to save it for another day.)

From “Waaay Too Much Information”:

“I have no problem talking candidly about sex, but one night, a friend of mine crossed the line during one of our gab sessions. She was telling me about a hookup with this hot guy. Apparently, while was going down on her, she let loose a loud queef—though she referred to it as ‘a whisper from her vagina.’ As if that wasn’t gross enough, she went on to say it was so powerful, she could swear it blew his hair back! I haven’t been able to get the image out of my mind since.”

Left to the reader as an exercise: photoshop this image. (Mental photoshops okay.)

11. Be careful what you reveal.

More from Waaay Too Much Information:

“My boyfriend is kind of conservative, and I like to tease him about it. One night, we both got pretty tipsy, and I was joking about how buttoned-up he is. He got a little defensive and started telling me stories from his frat days about how wild he used to be . . .”

Blah blah friggety blah. On a dare, he wears the same pair of shorts for three months, and huzzah! They stunk bad enough after that to gag his frat brothers, etc.

Her reaction to her boyfriend’s story is predictable: My boyfriend walked around in poopy pants for three months. Eeeew.

My reaction to her story? You’re dating a conservative ex-frat boy. Eeeew.

I doubt this story, because I know what my shorts smell like after even one day of wear. Three months? After two weeks, he would have been expelled from college, and his frat brothers would have used him in hazing rituals as a stand-in for the sheep.

12. I love Cosmo Gyno. Just like a gynecology residency without all those messy “waters.” First time that happened to me, I felt like I’d been dipped in dirty dishwater.

It’s funny. Some health care workers hate poop (*waves hand*), and some hate mucus. I’ve had nurses tell me they would rather clean up four Code Browns than take care of one messy tracheostomy patient. But in med school, nothing quite got under my skin as much as childbirth.

Not my own child, mind you. It’s like cleaning diapers: when it’s your own kid, you don’t mind as much. When I watched Jake coming out, I was thinking, “Oh. OUCH! Hurry up already!” but I wasn’t grossed out.

This month’s Cosmo Gyno teaches us (with four different orchids as visual guides) that “your vaginal lips may not be an exact match,” “you’re supposed to have an odor,” “daily discharge is a good sign,” and “lots of hair is natural.” And thank God for all of that.

13. Now it’s definite: I’m not gay.

“One irrefutable sign that a guy is gay—besides catching him in the act—is if he gets off on male-on-male porn . . . . if you find a stash, face facts.”

Women: right now, hurry up, go take a look at your guy’s hard drive. You’re looking for gay porn.

Guys: good. We’re alone now. We can talk. So: what’s up with YouPorn? Why are they sprinkling all that good hard hetero action with unlabeled gay stuff?

And isn’t it hot?

***

Yeah, that’s it, that’s all I got. And since it’s Thursday somewhere in the world, I’m posting this now.

Gimme lurve, I give you link.

Darla, how did you know I was a mouse potato?

Maybe I’m just a sucker for film history, but I thoroughly enjoyed Carrie’s Thirteen Will Scarletts.

Pat’s 13 books left by the wayside

Heh heh. Heh heh. SxKitten said peacock.

Dean should have chosen Option 3

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shaina, I feel your pain

Lyvvie & me: young at heart

D.