Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
The Talk
I figure if my eleven-year-old son wants his sheets changed, he can damn well strip his own bed and bring everything to the washing machine. However, once a year or so, his sheets achieve sentience and cry out to me in their filthy anguish.
“I suppose we might start finding crumpled Kleenexes under his bed soon,” I said to Karen last night before we went to sleep.
“Kleenexes? Is that what you used?”
“I think so.”
I remember stuffing them between the bed and the wall, where no one would be any the wiser. Like me, my mother never made my bed or washed my sheets, not that I ever noticed.
“How old were you?” Karen said.
“Twelve, I think. I woke up one morning with a mess in my shorts and figured the plumbing was working. Some time after that, I checked.”
Funny thing: during this whole conversation, I never bothered to ask Karen when SHE checked out her plumbing.
“It was pretty haphazard,” I told her. “I raped the mattress. Got a few hellacious cases of rug burn before I discovered spit.”
“Spit? That’s what you used?”
“Sure. It was convenient.”
“You know, you’re going to have to talk to him about this.”
*crickets*
“I’m what?”
“You don’t want him to get rug burn, do you?”
“I’m none the worse for wear!”
“And you ought to tell him about lubricants, too.”
Now, even the crickets were listening in.
“Lubricants?”
“Sure. I think Vaseline increases the risk of a urinary tract infection if you get it up your urethra.”
“Do we even have Vaseline in the house?”
Unfortunately, yes, we do. She uses it in the cockroach tank to prevent the little bastards from crawling too far up the sides.
“He’s a smart kid,” I said. “He’ll figure out spit.”
“No, I really think it’s your job to talk to him about this.”
By now, my voice had achieved High Whine. “My father never talked to me about masturbation!”
(Thank God.)
“Don’t you think you’re better than that?”
Gotcha. But then I remembered something I learned over at Suisan’s daughter’s blog the other day: you can have sensitive conversations with your kid in blog space! And Jake reads this blog — well, he usually searches for “Jake” to find out what I’ve been saying about him — so we’re having The Talk right now!
Phew.
But, honestly: how many parents would give their kids a how-to talk on masturbation?
D.
In fairness to Karen, she said, “You don’t have to tell him HOW. Just warn him what not to do.”
Mission accomplished.
I don’t have my own kids yet, but I am preparing for that sort of talk. It may be initially mortifying but a tremendous relief in the long run, just to acknowledge your kid’s sexuality openly. I don’t intend to give them a “how-to,” but would at least remind them to keep it in their room and out of sight, rather than give them the embarrassed talk my mom gave me about how it’s a Bad Thing I Shouldn’t Do.
ME!! I would I would!!
I’m with Karen – and WOW, does she have the measure of you. “Don’t you think you’re better than that?” I’m saving that, I’m saving it up for the best time to use it.
I never said a thing to my kids–I did force them to see where I stashed their supply of condoms. THeir dad would rather chop off his private parts than talk about this stuff.
I suspect my two older, fully functioning boys use their dirty laundry which is fine with me.
Also I designed a religion just for you in the comments. It has nothing to do with your life or circumstances, but then you’re supposed to work for G_d not the other way around, buster.
Oh, I did have to tell the second one that yes, it was Natural and Beautiful, but please don’t start nursing that baby in the family room.
At least saying nothing is better than convincing your kid masturbation is sinful. Of course, many kids who hear little positive about sexuality determine that it must be “gross”. I missed out on a lot of good times and feeling OK about my body that way…
LOL! At least we don’t have to worry about the lubrication question.
Nice thing about having the kids spaced so far apart–the boys have already heard everything by the time it comes up.
You learned from me?
Ummmm. There’s something scary about that.
I think that if my mother had brought up checking out the plumbing I would have DIED right there.
In regards to spit — my husband told me that he figured everything out in the shower when he was a kid, using conditioner. I told Dear Butcher the other day that I was not looking forward to the groaddy sheets in a few years. He relieved my anxiety by saying that to his knowledge he never had a wet dream, or at least one that made his sheets wet.
So I figure I’m just going to keep sending my son into the shower over and over again. Makes him smell a whole lot better and maybe he’ll just stumble into something there. One hopes.
Also, in regards to tender conversations on blogs. It can backfire. Neo posted a cry for help on her blog a few nights ago, telling me in the post that she expected me to read it and expected me to post in comments. I pulled the whole thing and had to have a sit-down with her. Having ALLLL of her angst on the internet can get a little freaky.
On the other hand, I’m a hell of a lot more likely to check out her blog than I am to search her room for diaries. So, um, maybe having tender conversations on teh internets works.
Sign me Confused,
Suisan
Kate: their dad the biology prof can’t talk about sex? No comment. Thanks for the new religion. Is there any money in it for us?
DN, we talk about sex with him all the time, but it’s never too personal, if you know what I mean. It freaked him out when we asked him to knock at night — I suspect he’s only comfortable with the thought of us having had sex only once, and he probably have preferred being an in vitro baby.
Darla: by the time what comes up? *snicker*
Suisan, I never much liked the shower approach. Less of a mess, of course, but the whole thing seems so awkward; and if you don’t choose your lubes well, the after-burn is unpleasant.
Overall, I think we communicate well with Jake. It’s tough to know where to draw the “too much information” line.
Ya mean we can’t just tell ’em where babies come from and leave it at that??? Jeez …
My folks did a pretty damned good job raising informed kids (as far as I can tell, anyhow – we’re none of us homicidal maniacs, at least) but the subject of functional plumbing has yet to be raised and the baby of the family is 36. On the bright side, mattress burn isn’t much of a problem for us girls, and when the time comes I can leave it to Dean to instruct The Lad in the ways of Hand and Lube.
I think your blog took care of the “problem”…no kid wants to hear this from their own parent…if Jake hasn’t figured out by now that you are open with him, he never will.
I didn’t really learn and understand everything until I took psychology in high school as a senior and read it all in a book. Much better than my mother drawing pictures and laughing her ass off while she tried to explain sexual intercourse to me.
huh… and their dad is a biology prof and can’t even talk about sex with me.
for my Summer books I had to ask other men about the sensations/experiences during sex.
i figured everything out by myself. somehow i was not put off by the fact that my parents found out i was looking at porn once when i was like 13 or something and got VERY VERY UPSET. a normal kid would have taken that to mean “SEX IS BAD AND WRONG” yet somehow i never got that…perhaps it is the romance novels i read…or maybe the fact that my father has a subscription to playboy…or that i stumbled across HIS porn on the comp once by accident…ewewew just grossed myself out all over again…
anyways. no sex talks from my parentals. no worries.