Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Are you my daddy?
Karen’s watching 60 Minutes, and they’re doing a story on a sperm bank which over-utilized one particular donor’s sperm. I gather the mothers are worried that their children might end up marrying a half-brother or half-sister. Interesting, don’t you think? You see, this donor’s profile was so attractive, LOTS of women decided they wanted him to be the father of their children.
I suspect most male medical students get the letters — you know, the ones that politely suggest you can earn money by jerking off. Not much money, but $40 a pop adds up after a while. And how many times had I thought, “If I had a nickle for every time . . .”
So I answered the letter. An attractive receptionist took a thorough medical history, and if I’m not mistaken, my blood was drawn as well. Last thing they want is an HIV positive sperm donor, and even waaaaay back then we had testing for carrier status on certain genetic diseases, like Tay-Sachs.
Once I made the first cut, I was told I would have to audition. Because, well, you know — they don’t want just any old sperm.
Auditioning is harder than you might think. They informed me that my “sample” (are you thinking about a supermarket deli yet?) could not be wrung from a condom, nor could my wife help in any way involving bodily fluids or lubricants. Nor could I use any bodily fluids or lubricant. It needs must, apparently, be the product of a dry hump.
You ladies: ask the man in your life, or affable male friend, how easy it is to ejaculate sans lube. NOT.
I was beginning to understand how I would have to earn my $40.
Remember, this was in the 80s, pre-YouPorn, pre-porn DVDs, pre- any porn whatsoever except for magazines, which have never done much for me. Oh, I suppose I might have gone to an X-rated movie theater, but folks got arrested for such behavior. No, I would have to do it the hard way.
Oh. And it had to be fresh.
Some time thereafter, the sperm bank called and requested my presence. What could be so important that I would have to meet with one of the supervising physicians? Were my little guys Super Spermatozoa, so viciously potent they would have to dilute my donations 1:10, such that each sample would garner me $400?
I wish.
Nope. The doc told me there were “too many aberrant forms.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you,” he said. “You’ll probably be able to father children. But we can’t use donors who provide too many aberrant forms.”
Some years later, when we were having fertility problems, I got myself checked out once again. This time around, everything was fine*, which leads me to ask: was it my spermatozoa who were aberrant, or was it me?
Don’t answer that.
D.
*Karen recalls: “They were better than okay. You had a very high sperm count, with excellent motility.”
So there.
Some friends of mine had some fertility problems and when they took his sample, she got to help. I never asked if they got to use lube, though.
Now I’m gonna have to ask.
😉
Hmm, I wonder what she did? As Margaret Cho has pointed out: in a pinch, the old finger-up-the-ass works like magic.
I forced myself to be abstinent for longer than the required 72 hours. That way, the slightest breeze would set me off.
Pardon? What did you say?
Sorry, the aberrant forms were talking all at once.
Speaking of sex, Brad made it to the next stage I see! Fantastic! Yay! The bad doctor thoughts didn’t scare them.
We did the fertility thing up to and including IUI. Ugh. Two containers for the husband because halfway through orgasming, he had to switch containers. Got to develop some mad skills for that world.
yeah, Erin, usually they take turns 🙂 Come back in a few hours — I have the H&E review scheduled to post later this morning.
Kate: I noticed! Someone at Samhain shares my appreciation for female anatomy, apparently. I’ll post a linky later.
As for switching cups: aren’t those two- or three-ounce specimen cups? The man must have balls the size of grapefruits.
Dean had balls the size of grapefruits once.
Not difficult at all, given a foreskin. 😉
SxK: Yes, I remember that well 🙂 And so does Dean 🙁
Darla: Not being an adept at foreskinology, I’ll have to claim ignorance. Do they make their own lube or something? Because if they do — eeew. Or is Mr. Pointyhead that quick-on-the-draw?
Either way, I’m not understanding those circumcised dudes who stretch and stretch and stretch and STREEEEETCH to get their foreskins back. Uh-uh.
The short answer is ‘yes’: the inner foreskin is a mucous membrane.
Mon dieu! The things I learn from my readers.
Note to my romance betas: that Foley catheter story I told (Brad not rolling down the foreskin) was true, and yes, that was me giving that poor man a phimosis. So ps’s revelation is further proof that I don’t know shit about foreskins.
I think my mom told a story about someone forgetting to roll the foreskin back down after a bath or something when I was a kid [she was a nurse in a hospital].
So I knew about foreskins pretty early. The first one I ever saw was on an old man in the nursing home where I worked.
I coulda lived my whole life without seeing it, andI woulda been just fine, you know?
I do remember laughing my ass off during your romance when that happened. Of course, I imagine it’s a lot funnier when it’s a fictional account than the real thing, eh?
😛
I wonder if your sperm quality changed over time? Like, did all of the “aberrant” ones jump out early in your life? I have no idea how these things work.
As for the popular sperm, two lesbian friends of mine have run into this problem. One partner had a baby via insemination, and the second partner wanted to have a baby with the same donor sperm, so they’d be related (also, they’re an interracial couple, so the donor they chose was half black, half white). Unfortunately, this guy’s spoo was so popular that when they went to do the second insemination, it had all been bought up. Very frustrating for them.
Thanks for remembering my foreskin (story), Shelbi 🙂
DN, I suspect they took one look at me and decided there was no market for short, hairy, balding sperm — MD or not. But maybe I’m just paranoid.
And now I have a new word — Spoo! All along, I thought the Tick’s catch phrase was Spoon! But I see I was mistaken.