Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
Contemplating a “Thirteen Worst Pickup Lines” post, I find this gem of a page, which includes the warning
Any attempt to rebroadcast this page without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and the Atlanta Braves is strictly prohibited (Implied oral consent is insufficient).
Do Major League Baseball players even need a pickup line past, “I’m a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves”? But I digress.
True story: back in college, I found a book entitled 1001 Best Pickup Lines in an Embarcadero gift shop. At that time in my life, I really could have used 1001 Best Pickup Lines. My idea of a good line: “You know, sex doesn’t HAVE to mean anything.” Or: “Yeah, I know you’re a head taller than me, but I think I can get past that.”
Needy or not, after leafing through 1001 Best Pickup Lines, I didn’t waste my money. It’s amazing how fast you can rack up 1001 lines when the first one is, “Hi! You look like a Gemini,” and the next 11 follow suit. “You look like you enjoy [motorcycle riding, gymnastics, scuba diving . . .]” is good for a few dozen lines, and “Hi! You look [Swedish, Brazilian, Turkish . . .],” covers at least 100 more. (Watch out, though, because, “Hi! You look Burkinabé,” might be met with a blank expression, or worse.)
So it intrigued me, to say the least, to find Major League Baseball’s repository of pickup lines, complete with success statistics. To wit:
“Do you take it up the ass?” 17 attempts, 2 successes.
I dunno. I’m not a “direct approach” kind of guy, so I doubt I’d choose one of these — even if “I wanna put my thingy into your thingy” has a 5/6 success rate. So let’s move beyond their Straight to the Point category and look at Innuendo.
“Do you spit or swallow?” seems misplaced, as does “Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?” Shouldn’t these both be in Straight to the Point? I’m beginning to think this whole site is full of shit, except then I find something marginally endearing, like, “Help the homeless. Take me home with you.” I hear that one works even better if you haven’t showered in a fortnight.
Maybe I’m a Left Field kind of guy. In this category, the lines are supposed to “get people to think — a lot.” Thinking is good. I like a woman who can think. Hell, I married one. So . . . what do you say to “get people to think — a lot”?
“Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?”
Yes, make her think. Make her think you’re a wannabe trannie.
“You know, if we cut your arms off, you’d look just like the Venus de Milo.”
Ooooh, stop right there. Enough is enough. I’m not even looking at this site’s Lame category.
***
I’ve never needed a pickup line. For my N = 2, the first relationship spun out from a friendship, the second from an introduction. In neither case did I have to lure a perfect stranger.
I don’t know that I could. At social get-togethers, I have trouble talking to people I know, let alone introducing myself to strangers. I guess I would have to be awfully lonely and desperate to take that kind of plunge.
But if I did, I suspect I would go for a simple, honest approach. “I saw you standing over here and I knew I wanted to talk to you.”
Yeah, yeah — I know. It totally lacks the pizzazz of
Approach a group and say, “Okay, I’m going to have sex with you, you, and you. Okay, who’s first?”
So . . . any of y’all have a great pickup line story?
D.
are you SERIOUS? it actually says that? jeez, if a guy said any of those to me, i’d either laugh in his face or smack the hell out of him. ugh.
Quality stuff. I’d be looking for a cop if some perv leveled one of those direct lines my way. Or yes, smacking might work. Ew.
That said, the line about talking? I totally would have gone for that. Anything that suggests a desire for a deeper emotional or intellectual connection. And especially if the guy looked a little nervous about it. Arrogrance = annoying. Shyness overcome because he just couldn’t resist me? Excellent.
99% of these lines are so preposterous, so frankly offensive, that I have to believe this is some sort of joke site. Not very funny, IMO, and in many cases revolting (Venus de Milo??? Is that supposed to suggest the guy’s artistic and sensitive side?)
I suspect that for those folks (of either sex) who are trolling the bars for sex, any line short of the most offensive will do.
I like this one (although it shouldn’t be “either way” because he offers three ideas):
Let’s get drunk and take advantage of each other. Or, I could get drunk and you could just take advantage of me. OR, you can stay here and get drunk and I can go home and take advantage of myself. Either way, it’s up to you.
I got a lot of lines when I worked in a bar, but the only one I can recall accurately was “You’re kind of cute. Wanna fuck?”
Usually it was
“come here often? hahhahahaha.”
“When time do you get off work,” that kind of thing. Oh! Once a guy said that he wished he was my brother so he could kick the asses of some guys who were giving me shit. It only occurred to me that he was trying to pick me up when he went for more traditional lines later. But incest? Huh.
Oh, these are horrible. But then, it’s been decades since I’ve been single. Maybe the lines don’t matter–both of them are wanting to hook up, and the line is a half-step above grabbing her by the hair and dragging her off to his cave.
Here’s a related video you might find mildly amusing. For some reason, when I saw it this morning, I thought of you. Go figure.
Darla, I’ll have to check the viddy later. Work. Dial-up. ‘Nuff said.
Kate, so is that how you met the hubs? You bar hussy 😉
Hm. Well, the very few times I picked up somebody or vice-versa, “hi” or “hello” was a good start. When I did it, however, I usually needed a lot of encouragement from friends before I worked up my nerve.
The people that I met this way, however? So not worth it. Hot, but not worth it.
Does anybody every really meet anyone worthwhile at a bar or club?
I can’t speak for the masses, but I’ve never met anyone worthwhile at a bar or club.
Dragon-boating, now, that’s a good way to meet people …
LOL. Well, I met someone worthwile at a bar… She’s one in a million, though. And I was a cocktail waitress there and she’s the only person I ever hit on. (I had a “no customer dating” policy. Kept the tips flowing, the egos in control and the reputation good. Never shit where you eat!) The pickup line in our case was followed by one of those incredible first kisses… (Yeah… I found it easier to just kiss her first!) Then simply said, “What’s a kiss between friends?”
A friendly line used to work on me sometimes. A memorable lover used this one: (I later stole it for my own)
” Hi, I’m xxxxx. Shall we be friends or shall I just fuck your brains out?” In that case we began with the latter and ended up the former, so it was a win-win.
My husband’s first line to me was when he crawled into my room, laid on the floor and said, “I love this floor. I’ve spent many happy hours on this floor.”
“Um, hi. I was sweeping.”
“Yes. It’s a dirty floor. Oh, and by the way, I can see up your dress.”
To this day I cannot figure out what drugs he was on or whether he was straight but goofy at the time. Interesting pick up line, though.
Do you spit or swallow”
BITE :p
You guys are cracking me up.
Gabriele: great reply. Although if the guy were really stubborn, he’d say, “A little nibble on the foreskin? Sounds great!”
My Freshman year in college this really drunk guy approached me in the lobby of my dorm and said, with a really pouty face, “I need a hug. Please give me a hug.” Then he grabbed me in a big bear hug and started slurring “Ummm. You are soft. You smell good. You are like the perfect girl because you are soft and you smell good. I like girls…..” you get the idea. This went on for a few minutes and finally a couple of his friends came out and rescued me. He was obviously harmless so I didn’t make a scene about getting him off me. A few months later we met properly through mutual friends and became buddies. At first I didn’t want to embarass him but when I knew him better and knew he was never embarassed by anything I reminded him of how we met, thinking he wouldn’t remember. He was like “Yeah, I remember that. I only had like two beers that night. I just wanted to see if you felt and smelled as good as you looked. I have done it before. It always works. Sometimes it even gets me into the girls room.” ARGH! What a DOG!
I have actually had someone say to me “If I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?” and my favourite British one, which is in the direct catergory: “Grab your coat, love. You’ve pulled.”
But what’s even more fun, are the books women get that offer excellent come-backs for the pick-up lines.