Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
What, no rectum?
Erin just had to get me back for the Aneros prostate stimulator (pictured), so she sent me to the Erotech website.
Erin, I’m not going to ask how you found out about the LoveLumpTM; but I picture you up way past your bedtime, cursing the Goat for falling asleep while you were working on your daily blog post, figuring you’d find some porn satisfaction on the Web, and racking your brains for the most twisted search terms possible.
“Hmm,” Erin sez. “How about appendage, organ, reactive, and warm? Ah, here we go!”
Good thing this is Friday, because the photo below the fold is sooo not work safe. You’ve been warned.
Take a moment to absorb this photo.
Now take a moment to absorb this next fact: it isn’t a latex plaything. It’s alive.
LoveLumpTM‘s inventor describes it as “an artificially-engineered transgenic tissue sculpture,” and a “sexual surrogate.” It is the product of proprietary animal-vegetable interbreeding experiments, a living (though not sentient) creature nourished by weekly subdermal injections of LumpFoüdTM. The model shown (the “Augustine”) sports dual reactive appendages, dual V-gauge entry ports, and dual R-gauge entry ports. (R-gauge entry port? That may answer my titular question.)
‘Kay, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, the LoveLumpTM is bogus, although it may be starring in a David Cronenberg movie any day now. LoveLumpTM is the brainchild of Web Designer Christopher Ryan Moses. Follow that link to see more of his, erm, brainchildren.
What made me realize LoveLumpTM was a hoax? Maybe the fact that the inventor, A. Henry Ross, is a dead ringer for Bill Gates:
And what self-respecting CEO would begin his company’s mission statement, “Since the dawn of time . . .” ?
Yeah, the LoveLumpTM needs must take its place among love droids, sex slave cyborgs, and other figments of an SF geek’s wet dreams.
The Aneros, on the other hand, is quite real.
D.
Of course it’s a fake – they used Hershey’s Kisses for the nipples!
I stumbled upon it while chatting with a group of men who own life-sized silicone sex dolls.
That is true.
But as I take another look at it, the dicks are lame. I mean, you’re gonna make a love toy, make a goddamn love toy! I’m talking six or seven inches of splendid manhood.
Those things are sad, just sad.
Hadn’t noticed the Hershey’s Kisses, Lyvvie 🙂
Erin, I agree. Those are particularly pathetic peckers.
I, for the sake of research because I married an UberPride – I know I know, but he is funny – I went to my favorite toy shop to read the reviews of the Aneros. I laughed – oh dear lord I laughed at the first review – I’ll copy it here for you. Let us learn the lessons of this poor and learn to RTFM (read the fucking manual) (which is a bad pun but I like it)
Just read review number one.
LOL. Sorry, those weenies are definitely losers, but the pussies ain’t too pretty, either. And Bush?? Puh-leeze! Somelumpies need a trim!
Good pickup, Lyvvie. I’m half tempted to make up my own bogus misuse story.
Thorne, yup, those wieners are hopeless!
Heck, too bad it’s just a fake. The LoveLump [tm]would be quite a coffee table/ice breaking item. AND I want some LumpFou[umlaut]d.
Hm. Maybe I should post a recipe for LumpFoüdTM?
Oh My! Look what I found..and this is no hoax!
At my favourite site, Lovehoney, it’s the Concubine Mastubator and not only but also, rubber feet for the foot fetishist, and a Japanese wigging, talking virtual girl doll.
I can imagine how awful all that rubber stinks!
[…] Remember the LoveLump? Lyvvie found me a real version of the same — a horrifying conglomerate of vag, breasts, and glans penis. What’s up with the penis bit? That’s the part that baffles me. […]
[…] Remember the LoveLump? Lyvvie found me a real version of the same — a horrifying conglomerate of vag, breasts, and glans penis. What’s up with the penis bit? That’s the part that baffles me. […]