Why I won’t be sleeping tonight

“The fudge is the life.”
Bela Lugosi, Dracula (1931)

En route from the bedroom to the dishwasher, Karen’s not-quite-finished dessert became a bit lighter. In eight or nine paces, I, Diet Boy, managed to polish off several teaspoons of molten Dreyer’s Chocolate Ice Cream and a heaping congealed teaspoon of Mrs. Richardson’s Hot Fudge.

If I don’t drug up on Benadryl, I’ll be up until 3 or 4. The culprit? Theobromine, a close relative of caffeine. Like caffeine, theobromine is a mild stimulant. Also like caffeine, it has a whoppingly long half-life (6 to 10 hours). So if like me you are sensitive to it, eat your chocolate early.

Let’s take a closer look at theobromine.

And you thought you’d never have to see one of those again, huh? It gets more interesting. Here’s the structure of guanine, a key component of DNA (it’s the G that always pairs with C, cytosine):

Do ya see it yet? Do ya? The structures are awfully similar. One could, with little effort, imagine a genetic code in which caffeine and theobromine are key players. Imagine further that we were incapable of synthesizing these compounds (which is, in fact, true: our bodies don’t make caffeine or theobromine, more’s the pity). Do you see where I’m headed with this?

Theobromine and caffeine would be vitamins — essential nutrients we cannot synthesize for ourselves.

Chocolate and coffee would be the bottom tier of the food pyramid. One could live on One-a-Day Vitamins and tiramisu.

Perhaps I had more of a point when I first got rolling, but isn’t that point enough?

D.

6 Comments

  1. Perhaps I had more of a point when I first got rolling, but isn’t that point enough?

    No.

    X

  2. Hmm. You don’t like a fantasy where Cafe Mocha is as nutritious as Ensure, eh? Tough audience.

  3. Pat says:

    Trying to out-geek me with biochemistry, eh? Trust me, Doug, physics will always be geekier than biochem.

    And yes, I want a world where chocolate — particularly dark chocolate — is better for me than cauliflower.

  4. bam says:

    Yes, I would like to live in a world where my boyfriend doesn’t glare at me every time I shove chocolate into my mouth, saying snide shit like, “that’ll go straight to your thighs.” I’d like to be able to say, “Fuck you, it’s healthy for me.”

    I should say that anyway.

  5. Candy says:

    I can’t even… Wow.

    Sorry. I need a few moments alone, contemplating a world in which chocolate isn’t just good for me, but provides me with essential nutrients.

    *shifty eyes*