Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Lester’s Tantric Sex Guide for Teens
“Oh,” I said. “I see.”
Anyway, since my sexual history is rather more cosmopolitan than his, I happily agreed.
“. . . when MTV surveyed 14- to 25-year-olds to find out what subjects they’d like to learn about most, tantric sex topped the list.”
— From tantra.com
Teenagers often say to me, “I don’t understand Dr. Doug’s success. How is it that a 3′ 6″ hobbit like him has women vying to have his hairy hobbity babies?”
“It’s simple,” I say. “In high school, he mastered the subtle secrets of tantric sex. Women sense this about him. They know he can bring them to the cusp of sexual enlightenment and beyond.”
“But, Mr. Wormfriend. I’ve read that tantric sex requires many long hours of meditation, ritual dance, and tandem breathing exercises. How can I get my boyfriend to do any of that, when he spends less than five minutes talking to me?”
“Oh, ho, ho,” I laughed heartily. “You may not realize it, Tiffini, but you and your boyfriend are already skilled practitioners of tantra.”
“We are?” she squealed.
“Sure. Think about it. The essence of tantra is that you stimulate one another, sometimes for hours on end, without ever reaching climax. You’ve done that, haven’t you?”
“Well, necking in Otis’s Ford pick-up, but . . . ”
“See? And after a while, don’t you feel a certain tension rising up your spine towards your head?”
“No. Mostly I feel sore as hell from Otis mashing my boobs like he was juicing lemons.”
“How about Otis? Doesn’t he feel a certain tension rising –”
“Well, duh. He keeps rubbing it against my leg all night long, and then he bitches about how much he’s hurting, and how he needs relief.”
“And there you have it. Tantric enlightenment, the culmination of hours of less-than-satisfying stimulation.”
“Um . . . Mr. Wormfriend? That’s not enlightenment. Otis calls it blue balls.”
“Blue balls, stone ache — enlightenment by any other name.”
“Gee. I never really looked at it that way.” She looked thoughtful for a long moment, then sighed. “Thanks, Mr. Wormfriend. I think.”
“And remember, Tiffini. The essence of tantra is that you prolong the stimulation indefinitely. The best way to do that is to keep your clothes on. Many, many layers of clothes.”
L.W.
