The Talk

The following conversation is entirely fictitious. My son demands I preface my comments with that sentence or else he’ll sue me.

Litigious little not-quite-a-bastard*.

It can be rough trying to raise an independent-minded kid. We give him a steady diet of Stewart, Colbert, Olbermann, and Howard Zinn, and yet we’re up against a huge corporate/governmental propaganda machine. I shouldn’t be surprised some of the brainwashing leaks through.

“I don’t believe it,” he said. “You used drugs in college?”

“It was only pot. And alcohol. A few times. Nothing much, really.”

“Nothing much? Don’t you realize that leads to harder drugs?” The implicit suggestion: Before long, you’ll be a bum in the street lying in your own vomit, and maybe a few other people’s vomit puddles, too.

“You’re kidding me, right? Don’t tell me you actually believe any of that. It’s all government propaganda.”

“So drugs are good.”

From The Smoking Gun: Former “Baywatch” star Yasmine Bleeth was arrested in September 2001 by Michigan police and charged with cocaine possession.

“No, I didn’t say that. As I’m sure you’ve learned by now, the truth is often much more complex than the simple drivel you’re given in the media. The government feeds you this ‘Just Say No’ BS because it’s far easier than trying to explain the truth. Truth of the matter is, alcohol in moderation, used responsibly, is a good thing. Marijuana can be a real help for some people with medical problems. Otherwise, it’s not entirely bad, but it’s not entirely good, either. The smoke is harsh and unpleasant, for example. But if you bake it into brownies to get around smoking it, it’s easy to screw up on dosage.”

Next, I launched into a brief talk on each of the drugs. Some of them, like meth, cocaine, or any injectable drugs (like heroin) carry far too much risk to permit safe experimentation.

“But even then, it’s a thorny issue. Take heroin, for example. It’s dangerous because people can’t be sure of the strength or purity of their drug, or of the safety of their needles. But if we in medicine had access to pharmaceutical grade heroin, it could be an effective pain reliever for some people with serious illnesses, like advanced, incurable cancer.”

I also explained how we ENTs used cocaine for medicinal purposes even into my residency. I imagine some ENTs still use it for their patients. I, and many of my colleagues, have moved on to other, safer medications, but that doesn’t disprove the fact that topical cocaine helped many people over the course of many decades.

His next question: “What about hallucinogens?”

I explained the concept of set and setting, and how that could make the difference between a good experience and a dangerous one. His mom also mentioned how hallucinogens are still used in some Native American religious rituals. We met his initial reaction, “Well, that’s stupid,” with a discussion of cultural relativism.

We concluded by informing him that as far as the government is concerned, ALL of this is illegal, so questions of what’s truly good, wise, stupid, or dangerous are moot. “The government has decided you’re too much of a child to make these decisions for yourself. All of us are children. So if they catch you, they’ll bust your ass and throw you into Juvenile Hall.”

“So — Don’t Do Drugs?”

“Yup,” I said. “Just Say No.”

D.

*He also made me redact bastard, pointing out that, technically speaking, he is NOT a bastard.