Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
On behalf of all men with latex allergies . . .
I would like to register a complaint.
Would I want to be a condom-tester? Would I ever! (That would be my first choice of dream jobs, followed shortly by Gynecologist Specializing in the Age 18-24 Demographic, or the ever popular Purveyor of Moustache Rides.) But there’s one small problem: we’re not talking about just any condom.
Our team is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom. It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides. We call it the ‘360 degree procedure’ — once round and from top to bottom. It’s a bit like a car wash.
Damn it, I’m allergic to latex. Spray this sh!t on me and my groin will become a giant welt. Nevertheless, I’m intrigued, and I can imagine dozens of gorgeous female UC Berkeley engineering students clamoring to be the first to see this device in action, crying, Oh, Walnut, pick me! Pick me! and, Omigod! New technology is SUCH a turn-on.
The manufacturer, Vinico (the people who brought you the Multi-Orgasmus-Kondum, 2 Kondome+penisring), wants men:
We are looking for 30 Condom-Testers. Your job is testing the new condom. We are looking for men with a penislengh* from 9 until 12 cm and 15 until 20 cm. Men between 13 to 14 cm are welcome, too**. You should have experience with condoms and beeing almost 18 years old. Your data will be kept very safe. If you have any questions, please contact us.
I have experience with condoms and I beeing almost 18 years old, or at any rate I beeing more 18 years old than 99 years old. But that latex business, oooh. Ouch. Hives are such a buzz kill.
Hat tip to the lovely May, who discovered the spray-on Kondome at Tim Worstall’s place.
Porno Gingerbread Men (see post below) and spray-on condoms. Any more holiday gift ideas?
D.
*Oh, those clever Germans and their made-to-order compound nouns . . . but I’m pretty sure the word is Shvanzelangen.
**Karen, quick! Where’s our metric ruler!Â
Oh man. I think John Bolton just applied for the mustache job.
Man, that was the world’s fastest ever comment! So fast you probably missed my edited-in post scripts.
that’s an interesting concept. i can see how the idea is good (no worry of holes,if they can perfect it! but then, what if one of the nozzles died and you didnt know it?), but how practical is it? i mean, you wouldnt be able to carry a big huge spray can in your wallet, now could you? you’d have to keep it in your man-purse or something. bummer. also, how do you get it OFF?
not that i’d know or anything.
🙂
Doug, Doug, Doug 🙂 This is like that spray on bandage/skin for scrapes?
I wonder how you get the thing off again? And if it’s spray-on, it wouldn’t have the little reservoir tip. You might rupture something. Spray on latex would have volatile solvents, like some kind of ether or an alcohol or some damn thing, wouldn’t it?
The spray-on condom, she is fraught with the peril!
When are going to create the female version, because I’ll be there!
*g*
I knew that you needed to blog about it. 😉
Heh. I saw this last week, but silly me, didn’t think of sending it to you. Sorry. I should have. I found it on Proceed at Your Own Risk.
And no, the compound noun in this case is just the very dull “Penislänge.”
I was reeeeallly tempted to sign Carl up for the study–after all, we are in the right country–but for some reason he refused to go for it. Sheesh. Maybe I should nag.
Oh. *blinks* I didn’t realize they had a page in English.
Of course the real problems start when the test results show tha they, uh, didn’t work and…your dick beocmes permanently encased in latex, or something of a viscous and dangerous nature leaks through.
Okay, you had me at the condom (pardon the pun), and by the German compound noun comment I’d broken the speechless shock and was howling. But it was the metric ruler that did me in. *faints*
Hey, Lyn! Nice to see ya.
Phoenix: successive latex applications will undoubtedly increase length and girth, thus making the spray-on condom a BIG hit.
Darla: guess “Penislänge” beats “Der Mikropenis” any day of the week.
Shaina, Dean, latex condoms are inanimate. You can’t get them off. As for me, I’ll have no problem at all getting off, thank you very much.
Crystal: yup. Cuts, scrapes, and urethras.
Lyvvie: 🙂 you gonna model?
thanks again, May . . .
[…] From Doug “Great for a laugh” Hoffman: On behalf of all men with latex allergies miladyinsanity @ 12:51 pm [filed under Alliterative Events […]