FVccing gnomes

I hate PvP.

Right now, some of you are wracking your brains because PvP sounds like computerese, but it isn’t. Not exactly. PvP = player vs. player, which you gamers knew right away, of course, but bear with me while I explain it to the non-gamers.

In World of Warcraft, you can live your entire virtual life fighting against computer-generated/controlled monsters. You need never fight human-controlled characters. Nevertheless, the game provides certain rewards for success in the PvP arenas known as battlegrounds. But there’s one problem: I suck at PvP.

I did what any logical 40-mmhmmhm-year-old man would do, given the circumstances; I let my 10-year-old do the PvP stuff for me. He’s far better at it than I will ever be. Trouble is, he made me watch, saying, “Otherwise, you’ll never learn.”

I had already spent a good long time screaming at the computer because whenever I set myself up to attack someone, someone else would Stun me, or Fear me, or Confuse me, or Whatever the Hell me, and I would stand there paralyzed or run around in a daze while the enemy clobbered me to death.

But nothing, nothing was worse than getting pwned by a band of fVccing gnomes. This is a gnome:

I’m sorry, but my life has certain rules, and these sumbitches violate both of them:

Something that comes up to my ankle should NOT be able to kick the shit out of me.

Someone that talks like a Disneyland refugee should bite the dust if I look at them crosswise.

Yeah, that’s it, those are the rules of my existence. So I’m watching my son fight these bastards, I’m not even the one holding the mouse, and I still want to punch the monitor.

By which I conclude, PvP is so not good for my mental health.

Walnut, September 22, 2006. Category: eConfusion, Games.