Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Romance: it’s not that bloody difficult
Doing it, not writing it.
An old pal called tonight and right away I guessed the problem.
“Hmm,” I said, “You never call me when you’re getting laid, so I’m guessing you broke up.”
That’s me, Mr. Sympathetic. You would think this attitude would discourage people, but it doesn’t.
So: without revealing any of his deepest, darkest secrets, let me set this up for you; and when we’re done, I want you to suggest some romances he might read so that he can get it through his thick head how to talk to a woman. (I mean GOOD GOD, MAN, there’s a whole genre out there — largely written by women — designed to tell YOU what THEY want. JEEZ!!!)
Anyway, here’s the set-up.
They broke up nearly a year ago because he effed up. Not in any sort of relationship-trashing way; he didn’t betray her. He has cleaned up his act since then, so the baggage which incited the break-up is now officially ancient history.
As far as he knows, she doesn’t have a boyfriend at present. That’s an important datum.
They saw each other over the weekend thanks to some mutual friends/family attachments. She gave him mixed signals — danced with him, hugged him, but wouldn’t let him kiss her. She told him how important he’d been to her, but they were over now.
He didn’t tell her how he felt about her.
He didn’t even tell her that the baggage was history.
I asked him what he said after she told him how important he’d been to her, and he said, “I didn’t respond,” after which I screamed at him to pull his head out of his ass.
Honestly, I think he stands a decent chance with the woman. He needs to let her know that his life is back in order and he needs to tell her how he feels about her. Sure, she might reject him, but if she’s the best thing that ever happened to him (and she is), isn’t it worth the risk of rejection?
He has nothing to lose and a lot to gain.
I hope my pull-your-head-out-of-your-ass pep talk does the trick, but I worry he may need a textbook. Give it to me, people, and I’ll pass on your recommendations: in all your reading, what are the best examples of guys saying and doing the right thing?
D.
Why not just have him say it flat out? If my long lost flame (The One Who Got Away) started talking to me like the guys do in romance novels, it would seriously put my guard up, real fast. Honest and straight forward? That’s what I’d want. ‘I f’d up. I’m sorry.’ are the two most underused phrases in relationships.
I’m sure you didn’t mean to, but you’ve made me laugh again! But at myself, not your friend.
The romance I read (I have just realised) is mostly arrogant men talking to women in the most chauvinistic way – they just happen to get away with it because they’re gorgeous and afraid of nothing (not to mention outstanding in bed). Sure, they all have their faults, but they’re easily outweighed by the package deal ;o)
But there is a lesson in there for everyday men, say what you mean, mean what you say, and LISTEN (but not just to what the woman is saying, but what her body is saying too ;o))
Your friend could well have blown it and maybe she’s just letting him know he did mean a lot to her, but if he’s got any sense he’ll still make a heroic effort at telling her how he feels, and then go all out to prove it.
A Grand Passion.
Ellora’s Cave.
It has an Italian falling for an American woman, and he charms the underpants off her.
😀
I dunno. Romance novels are fantasies. It’s like Fantasy: I like reading about swords and combat and stuff, but I wouldn’t really want to live in such a world.
For your friend, probably honesty is the best approach. “I screwed up. I’m sorry. I’d like to try again, if you’re willing.” Something like that. And not “Let’s move in together,” but “I’d like to date you again.” Then let him show her romance, real romance with flowers and hand-holding and that sort of thing.
If she’s any sort of intelligent woman, she’ll see through the phony romance-novel crap in a second. Honesty is the only way. And women are generally impressed by honesty, oddly enough.
Flowers never hurt, though.
‘I f’d up. I’m sorry.’ are the two most underused phrases in relationships.
Amen.
say what you mean, mean what you say, and LISTEN (but not just to what the woman is saying, but what her body is saying too
Double Amen.
Then let him show her romance, real romance with flowers and hand-holding and that sort of thing. [snip] Flowers never hurt, though.
Damn. Now *there’s* a hat-trick for you. Email ALL those comments to your friend, Doug. Post-haste.
Thanks. Mostly, you’re echoing what I told him.
Dean, I don’t think ALL romance is fantasy — well, not entirely. I’ve been reading a lot of Crusie lately, and she likes to have her heroes model both good and bad behaviors. Usually the bad first, then the good.
I think this will require a lot more than “I screwed up. I’m sorry. I’d like to try again, if you’re willing.†She needs to know how he feels about her, how much he has missed her this last year, what she means to him, and all shades in between. No bullshit, but an honest revelation of his feelings. I think he needs to put his nuts on the line, really take a risk, and if she does that she’ll have to see how much courage it takes for him to do so.
If nothing else, she’ll respect him for it.
I don’t think he stands a chance. Whatever she felt for him before is not what she feels now – if for a woman the sexual part is over, it is over. She might want a friendship but nothing more. And the worst he could do is to guilt her into some compassion sex.
Okay, so I like to get off to a romantic start. Yes, I do believe that if it’s over, and she truly believes it’s over.. that’s it. But, there is no harm in trying. Sending flowers is always nice. Anonymously. For a few days. Then send the note that he wants to invite her for dinner.
Then, when she agrees… throw in the romance-novel romance.
That’s what I’d say.
Rella
Guys vs. Girls, woo-hoo!
I don’t think it’s over. I think he has a chance.
I’ll let you know who’s right 😉
I don’t know. If she really is the best thing that ever happened to him I think he has to try, but I suspect she really is over him. In my experience and the experience of all of my female friends with whom I have discussed this sort of thing, ending an important relationship is a very long process. It starts with saying good-bye and the rest of the work is internal. The statement she made sounds like ” I have gone through the steps. I have done the work. That book is closed.” I guess it would depend on how traumatic the break-up was. I personally have never gotten back together with an ex. When I say “It’s over” I mean it.
Well, Jamie Fraser of Outlander fame is nearly universally recognized as knowing just the right thing to say at all times. Your friend’s going to have to be committed to the reading, though, because it will take longer than a couple of hours to get through.
The opening letters in My Sweet Folly are also somewhat universally adored for pushing the “awwwwww” button.
Some soul baring honesty on your friend’s part sounds like the best route to me. It sounds as though this isn’t the first time they’ve been at this point in their relationship (though I could be reading too much into what you said), so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s going to have to prove himself to her over a course of time so she can see his resolve to stick with being baggage-free.
Read Susan Elizabeth Phillips. I love the heroes in her books. It usually takes them most of the book to get to the point where they realize that they have their heads up their butts and need to pull them out in order to get the heroine back, but, eventually, the light goes off. Match Me If You Can just came out in paperback.
Thanks for the recommendations. More reading material for me, too 😉