Category Archives: The Barbarous Craft


Howdy, neighbor!

Home } Friends o' mine } Howdy, neighbor!

A very special welcome for the lovely, talented, and soon to be published novelist Lisa Adams, who I hope will be stopping by sometime soon. She may never come back here, or she may beat me up the next time she sees me. You never know with some folks.

Lisa works as the Yurok Indian Tribe’s in-house counsel. That means we have two lawyers here. Scott, Lisa. Lisa, Scott. This painting is for the both of you:

Judge’s Chambers by Kenney Mencher

I’m sure either of you could supply the identity of the judge in question. And I’m certain this is all quite innocent — doubtless he’s reviewing some vital piece of evidence.

I’d write more today, but I was up late last night taking this

out of this

I pinched that X-ray off the web here at emedicine, since in my opinion, image-napping is a far smaller sin than violating doctor-patient confidentiality.

I’ll try to do better tomorrow. Hi Lisa!

D.

, June 14, 2005. Category: Friends o' mine, The Barbarous Craft.

Word of the Week: Dogsbody

Home } such as it is } Word of the Week: Dogsbody

Right now we’re watching Tony Robinson‘s show The Worst Jobs in History, which plays on the History Channel. You may remember Robinson from Blackadder, wherein he was once credited as “Baldrick, a dogsbody”. (And who better to narrate The Worst Jobs in History?)

Back to the dogsbody. From the American Heritage Dictionary:

Chiefly British Slang One who does menial work; a drudge.

According to Michael Quinion, dogsbody comes from the British Royal Navy. The poor blokes had to eat dried peas boiled in a sack. “Pease pudding” became better known by the sailors as “dog’s body,” perhaps due to the appearance of the sack after boiling. In the early part of the 20th century, “dogsbody” came to mean the guy who gets the crap jobs.

What are the crap jobs in your profession? I’ll tell you what they are in mine:

Nose bleeds. Bane of the ENT’s existence. (ENT = ear, nose, and throat. You wouldn’t think I’d have to spell that out, but whenever I assume you all know it, someone’s bound to whine.) Ninety-eight times out of a hundred, they’re innocent little drips. It’s those two times out of a hundred . . . ever watch a firetruck hose cut loose?

Mandible fractures. With rare exception, normal people do not get their jaws broken. Drunk, surly bastards do. Fortunately for me, I’m not very good at mandible fractures. I turf ’em.

Ear wax. Once again, most of the time ear boogers are a piece of cake. Every so often, however, the stench that comes out of a person’s ear makes me want to skip lunch.

But I have nothing to bitch about. Tony Robinson had to stomp on urine-soaked linen in his bare feet tonight . . . something about ‘evening out the material’. They just don’t make crap jobs like they used to, I guess.

D.

, May 23, 2005. Category: such as it is, The Barbarous Craft.

Clear and crisp

Home } The Barbarous Craft } Clear and crisp

From the liner notes to Garbage’s new CD, Bleed Like Me:

Special thanks to Dr. Peak Woo for rescuing my voice.

That’s from lead singer Shirley Manson’s acknowledgments, and it’s the first line. She’s referring to Mt. Sinai laryngologist (voice specialist) Peak Woo, one of the superstars in my biz.

Voice is an interesting subspecialty, populated by egomaniacs, ex-Rock’n’rollers, and cross-dressers. And that’s just what’s rumored. God only knows what’s actually true. And these docs have clout. I know of at least one instance in which a laryngologist affected the course of a presidential election (can’t stump if you can’t talk).

It’s all the patient’s fault, naturally. In the case of the presidential candidate, his doctor blamed the surgical failure on his patient’s unwillingness to give up cigars. Some folks, like Matthew Good, follow their doctor’s advice. They give up smoking, hydrate like crazy, and work with voice coaches or speech therapists to learn to avoid bad vocal habits. Others, like Axel Rose (click on the link. Really), thumb their noses at their docs.

Not that I know this for a fact. Maybe that’s Axel’s real voice.

***

For those of you who aren’t BBSers, here’s a link to an interview transcript you have to read. Alan Colmes interviewed anti-abortion activist Neal Horsley on his (Colmes’s) FOX News radio program. Horsley (snicker . . . snicker . . . whinny) reveals his affection for farm animals.

This sort of thing humbles me as a writer. You just can’t make up stuff this good.

D.

, May 15, 2005. Category: The Barbarous Craft.

Painless relief from snoring and other myths

Home } The Barbarous Craft } Painless relief from snoring and other myths
Today’s blog comes from our Failure of Imagination Department.

For funsies, I decided to google ‘snoring’ just now. Here are the top five hits:

IJustWantToSleep® promises to rid you of your snoring with simple exercises. They’ll send you their eBook and access to online videos for only $49.97.

SLEEP WIZARD is a jock strap designed for your chin. These folks are so confident you’ll love sleeping in a nut sack that they offer a 30-day no questions asked money-back guarantee. Price tag: $69.97.

(What’s with the 97? Whatever happened to 99? Did some market researcher determine that humans have finally figured out the 99 trick, and we need to see a new number in order to be fooled again?)

Tips of All Sorts.com, number three on the list, is the first one to provide solid information on snoring and obstructive sleep apnea. This is wonderful for consumer education, but death to a humor blog. Also, they lose points for posting links to bogus snoring cures (this one, for example).

The American Academy of Otolaryngology comes in at number four with a clear concise article (with pictures!) Yay, my academy. Zero bogosity. Ignore scary picture of constipated old white man.

Number five, Put an End to Snoring, returns us to the realm of brave hobbits and Narnian lions. Chief fantasy: they claim that by taking their questionnaire, you can determine if your snoring warrants a trip to a doctor. Wrong! Patients, doctors, and spouses are equally unreliable when it comes to assessing the severity of snoring (i.e., answering the question, is it snoring or obstructive sleep apnea?) They also list aromatherapy and homeopathy in their list of remedies.

I’d start running off the mouth about homeopathy and aromatherapy except The Skeptic’s Dictionary has done a fine job already.

The author’s muse promises to pull her head out of her ass by tomorrow. Stay tuned.

D.

, May 6, 2005. Category: The Barbarous Craft.
← Previous page