Yeah, you heard me! Stephen Colbert, lately of The Daily Show, now of the eponymous Report, wants your fan fic. Here are the guidelines, which I have lifted from Stephen’s blog:
No show to recap this morning, but we’ve got plenty in store this week! We’re finally going to start posting some of the excellent fan fiction you guys have been sending in – keep ’em coming! I do want to remind you all that we have certain ground rules, which some people have been breaking. Specifically:
- All fanfics must be broken up into chapters, and sent in piece-by-piece. I appreciate the effort you put into The Colbert Odyssey: Search for the Codex of Wisdom, Shelly F. of Piedmont, KY, but sending me a 1700-page novel via overnight mail and checking the “recipient will pay shipping” box is not cool!
- It doesn’t count as fan fiction if you just take a copyrighted work and insert Stephen as a character. I’m looking at you, Pete G., author of Harry Potter and Stephen Colbert and the Half-Blood Prince.
- Finally – and I didn’t think this would be a problem, but it is definitely a problem – PLEASE keep your fanfics R-rated or less! We’ve been getting some stuff that… I just… well, I’d never heard of some of this stuff before. And then I made the mistake of looking it up on the Internet. Please, just… just stop.
That’s it! Actually, one more thing. It turns out that a lot of people are submitting fanfics with similar storylines – great minds think alike! However, we’ve received more than enough submissions on the following topics:
Stephen saves the world
Stephen the astronaut
Stephen is a superhero
Stephen becomes President
Stephen hangs with Jesus
Stephen abducted by aliens
Stephen and Jon Stewart are buddy cops
Stephen in the Wild West
Stephen wins aliens over to our side
Stephen the race car driver, with special appearance by Paul Dinello
Stephen presides over futuristic alien techno-paradise
Stephen on BroadwayOK, those are the rules – keep emailing me those submissions (webmaster@colbertnation.com!)
***
Get crackin! Come November 1st, you won’t have the time for such shenanigans, thanks to NaNoWriMo.
D.
While Jake and I waited in the restaurant foyer for the tow truck to arrive, a young woman bitched to the hostess about the lack of a fire.
“We came all this way for the fireplace. A nice fire on a Saturday night, that’s why we’re here. And you’re telling me you can’t light a match?”
The hostess smiled at her like she was six — an accurate assessment. “Like I told you, Ma’am, there’s a problem. The restaurant fills up with smoke. I can’t help you.”
“But that’s the only reason we came here. This is our special evening, we have all our friends together, and we want a fire.”
Our hostess shrugged and smiled, which seemed to tweak the young woman even more.
“You could call the owners. They could give you permission. Why can’t you call the owners?”
I don’t know how many times the hostess had gone over this, but it was obvious she’d decided not to waste any more breath on this nitwit. No matter how many times this woman rearranged “owner,” “special evening,” and “just a match,” all she got for her troubles was a smiling, head-shaking hostess. Finally, she stalked off in a huff.
“That woman lacks perspective,” I told the hostess.
Maybe I found this especially silly because Mother Nature had nearly smeared me and my son a half an hour earlier. Or, perhaps it’s because I’m a doctor and it takes more than a faulty fireplace to upset me.
I’ve been known to tell my patients, “Yes, it’s cancer, but it’s a good cancer. I was afraid of much worse.” And I often tell them, “It’s my job to worry about the really horrible things so you don’t have to.” It only occurs to me now that some folks might go home and worry, “What the HELL is he worrying about? Now I’m really worried.”
Sitting there listening to that dingbat whining about the lack of a fire, I found myself wishing for superpowers. Remember the end of The Crow, when Eric Draven inflicts all of his dead wife’s suffering on the bad guy, compressing weeks of horror into a few excruciating seconds? Yeah, something like that. I wanted to give that woman a brief taste of horror.
Nothing damaging, mind you, just eye-opening. As in: Look, you. This is what’s really important.
Right now, I don’t have bupkes for Beth’s Smart Bitches Day or Michelle’s Trick or Treat Halloween Contest. My muse is holding out on me, the wench. What do you want? Tell me. Tell me!
By the way, I really really want to spend some serious kitchen time with Beth. Tonight, she’s making pie crust. Check it out. I suspect she’s filling that crust with something, but you never do know with Beth.
On a more positive note, I made a sizable dent into my next Tangent assignment, Issue #7 of City Slab. Delighted to report that the lead story, David Niall Wilson’s “The Milk of Paradise”, is a hit. Editor Dave Lindschmidt sets up some pretty darned high expectations in his opening comments, but Wilson’s story delivers.
Just a teaser: the story is based on Coleridge’s poem, Kubla Khan. Yee-haw, what a tale.
D.
I’ve never been a big fan of Robert Heinlein (I think I hit the limit with Stranger in a Strange Land), but it’s nearly impossible to read SF without becoming aware of Heinlein’s influence. He’s a controversial figure. Over the years, folks have accused him of being sexist, racist, fascist, you name it.
In this week’s New York Times Book Review back page essay, author M.G. Lord argues that Heinlein’s earlier work qualifies him as a feminist (Heinlein’s Female Troubles, NYTBR 10/2/05). It’s an interesting (and well written) essay, and I encourage you folks to take a look at it, even if you are not SF fans.
Elsewhere in the NYTBR: Eric Weinberger reviews George Saunders’ The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil without ever using the words science and fiction in close proximity of one another. The plot is plainly SF (um . . . all the action takes place on another planet, and concerns a variety of weird aliens), so what’s up? Weinberger chooses to call it satire.
I don’t know if I have a problem with this.
I asked Karen yesterday, “When are you going to blog again?” Since we’re an old married couple, she heard me when I telepathically added, “You know, you’ll never build your readership if you only blog once a week.”
“I’m not blogging to get more readers,” she said. “I do it to help organize my thoughts.”
I suppose that’s what I’m doing right now — trying to figure out how I feel about this. As SF writers, should we cheer when one of our own gets reviewed in the NYTBR, even if the SF-word isn’t used? Should we give Margaret Atwood a big stage wink when she slams science fiction?
Okay, Romance lovers: do you have a Margaret Atwood in your ranks, i.e., an author who aspires towards the literary and shuns the Romance label, even though that’s exactly what she is writing? How do you feel about her? (Or him. As Stephen has taught me, there’s a few blokes out there.)
Here’s what I think. Although some science fiction novels are written purely for escapism, many authors are writing social commentary. Hell, a good novel can do both. Just because the author has something to say — as Atwood did in The Handmaid’s Tale — the novel should not automatically pass Go, collect $200, and rate as satire (don’t nobody say SF).
If “genre” has any utility at all, it’s to help the reader know what to expect. To me, “serious literary fiction” is, as I mentioned to Pat recently, “boring pointless stories about characters with boring pointless lives who, in their inevitable epiphanies, find meaning in said lives.” The last thing I want is for a bunch of truly excellent SF writers to worm their way into the ranks of those literary doofuses. Because, you know something? If they do, I’m not reading them any more.
Thank heavens Jonathan Lethem’s Gun, with Occasional Music was filed in SF. That’s all I’m saying.
D.
Karen’s version: Doug has a note from his doctor excusing him from blogging today. He injured his index finger picking his nose and cannot type. (That’s an ENT doctor joke, they’re snot doctors.)
Jake’s version: He injured his pointing finger while sticking it up his butt.
Doug’s version: I pulled a muscle in my back while coughing.
How the hell do you pull a muscle coughing? Well, he did it this morning. Jake claims he screamed like a girl. I unfortunately had to help him put his underwear on. Ewwww!
Okay, that last bit was Jake again.
Doug will never let us post again after this. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Karen and Jake
My thanks go to Beth for the idea of sending much needed supplies to aid the refugees. I did some web surfing and found this website for the Baton Rouge Area Foundation. A moment ago, I spoke with a woman there, who told me the following items are much needed (in no particular order):
Toothbrush, toothpaste
Soap
Water
Deodorant
Diapers
Feminine hygiene products
Baby formula
Underwear
Towels
Blankets
Contributions should be clearly marked “Katrina Disaster Relief”. Here’s the address and phone number:
Salvation Army
7361 Airline Highway
Baton Rouge, LA 70805
(225) 355-4483
The link above (to BRAF) has information for a number of other agencies who are accepting material donations. I would encourage you to call first and find out what they need.
Nothing wrong with monetary donations, of course (we contributed to the National Food Bank), but somehow this feels more helpful. Probably an irrational impulse, but it wouldn’t be my first.
D.
If I get started on a rant, I’m going to stroke out. I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut about this because (A) this isn’t a political blog, and (B) I’ve never been very good at expressing political opinions.
I’ll focus on what matters. Here’s where we made our donation:
America’s Second Harvest, the Nation’s Food Bank Network
They promise that 100% of your donation will go to disaster relief efforts. The American Red Cross, of course, is another worthy agency.
At least I’m not alone in my fury. Over at Daily Kos, there’s a pertinent article concerning the President’s approval rating with respect to his handling of the disaster. Guess what: he’s tanking.
Impeachment, anyone?
D.
We homeschool our son Jake, not for religious reasons, but by necessity. He tests out past the twelfth grade in math and English. Homeschooling is the only way we can keep him interested in learning.
He’s almost ten and has the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old. Keep that in mind when I come kvetching for advice (below).
This year, I’d like to have him read some of the classics of 20th century literature. To help me generate ideas, I found this list of ‘great’ works of the 20th century, courtesy of Random House. Try to ignore the righthand column (Ayn Rand for the number one and two slots? L. Ron Hubbard for number three? Come on!)
Here’s my pick. I’m open to advice from y’all.
The Great Gatsby
Brave New World
As I Lay Dying (lower on the list than Sound & Fury, but I think it would be easier for Jake)
Animal Farm
Slaughterhouse Five
Lord of the Flies
The Maltese Falcon
The Postman Always Rings Twice
To Kill a Mockingbird
I’m leaving out a lot of books I dearly love because I don’t think Jake is ready for them yet (Heart of Darkness and Lord Jim, for example). As it is, I’m not sure he’s ready for Gatsby yet.
Thanks, everyone.
D.
Before resuming my brief review of Afghani history, I should make a few comments concerning the Proto-Elamite and Indus Valley civilizations. Both cultures rose to prominence alongside the great civilizations of Egypt, Mesopotamia and China. Afghanistan lay at the crossroads of those cultures’ trading routes.
Although the Proto-Elamite and Indus Valley cultures had significant roles in the development of civilization, relatively little is known about them since their written languages have not been deciphered.
The Proto-Elamite civilization developed one of the first written scripts (3050 BCE). This language is unlike Sumerian cuneiform (3300 BCE) even though the two cultures lived in close proximity. However, it is uncertain whether the Proto-Elamite spoken language was related to Elamite and no bilingual inscription like a Rosetta Stone exists. Currently, two elements are needed to decipher a written language: 1) Knowledge of the spoken language and 2) A sample of text translated into a known language or a substantial number of text samples and knowledge of the underlying culture. More than 1500 texts exist but they seem to be accounting/trade records; the text may not correlate well with the actual language. Proto-Elamite script was used over a far larger area than the kingdom of Elam. Samples have been found as far east as Afghanistan, which clearly indicates that trade extended into that region.
In the case of the Indus Valley civilization writing, even worse problems prevent decipherment. Only very short samples of text exist in the form of carved stone stamps and insignia on pottery and metal objects. For whatever reason, they did not write on walls, tombs or statues, although it is likely they used some type of paper which has not survived the last 3800 or more years. In addition, the spoken language is almost completely unknown. Linguists might be able to work backwards from existing languages to obtain a “source” language but this is only theoretical. There is a great deal of interest in investigating this language since it may shed much information on the development of Indo-European languages.
This lack of information is especially unfortunate since this culture was unique in several respects. Although they controlled an area larger than ancient Egypt or Mesopotamia, their rulers did not build huge monuments to their own egos, possibly due to their somewhat more egalitarian society. This may explain why the civilization was not rediscovered by western scientists until 1921. Aristoboulus, an emissary of Alexander the Great, wrote of seeing ruins in 326 BCE, but no other historical record exists.
In any case, they preferred to spend their time engaged in careful city planning, and building advanced drainage and sewage systems, granaries, docks, and harbors for their trading ships. Trade was apparently an important part of their economy and Indus Valley artifacts have been found in ancient Sumerian sites.
I think there is a tendency to judge a “great” civilization by the size of the monuments that it erects. However, if I were the ruler of a nation, I’d build sewage systems to avoid epidemics before bankrupting the country by erecting large and useless pyramids.
From the Infinite Cat, this video, which might be subtitled, “What women really want.”
While you’re at it, check out this cat fight. (I found this at Killer’s Place.)
Okay. Back to editing.
D.
I’ve added nine more links to my ‘Favorites’ list. What can we learn from this?
D.