Sophisticated humor . . .

sucks.

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

And there’s a sequel for folks who can’t get enough of a good thing.

D.

An open letter to the boys of Del Norte County

Specifically, the ones hanging out in front of Safeway trying to sell raffle tickets.

Look, no one expects you to dress like a Girl Scout. You don’t even have to dress like a Boy Scout! But you have to agree, I hope, that the Girl Scouts do a bang-up business while you guys are left out in the cold holding your skateboards.

Here’s the thing: no one is going to buy a random raffle ticket. We would kind of like to know what we might WIN, for one thing, and since we realize we’re throwing our money away (most of the time), what the hell charity are we supporting with our dollar? Or however much it is. See, you didn’t even tell me that.

“Would you like to buy a raffle ticket to support the Del Norte Boys A Capella Choir? You could win an all expenses-paid trip for two to Trees of Mystery! It’s only a dollar!”

There. Was that so difficult? And a couple other things would help . . .

Like a couple of cute girls and a dog with a ring around his eye, for example. In fact, I suggest you (A) bribe your girlfriends into doing this for you, and (B) make sure they have nearby a big cardboard box full of puppies for sale. Now you’ve gained valuable experience delegating responsibility, and you’ll sell more raffle tickets, too.

Or you can go on storming up to people, demanding, “BUY A RAFFLE TICKET?” That is, when you’re not screaming at your friends across the parking lot, swearing at and showing off to each other on your bikes and skateboards, etc.

Whatever works for you.

D.

Seeking advice

We would like to work some computer science into my son’s home-school education. Question for those of you who know about this stuff: where should he begin? Would knowledge of any one programming language be particularly useful?

Hard to say what he’s going to be when he grows up, but if I had to guess, it would be some sort of engineer.

graz

D.

Is that all?

Created by OnePlusYou

Let’s shoot for live blogging at 7:30 PM, okay?

And since this ain’t much of a post, have three itty bitty kitties:

three little kittens five days old with big fat tummies, originally uploaded by nuala.orourke.

D.

Welcome to my neighborhood

From today’s Letters to the Editor of my local paper. Picture Emily Litella, only not sweet.

Claims of relief provided by smoked marijuana need to be examined more carefully. Federal drug enforcement officers tell me that most smokers of high THC marijuana have been regular users for at least three years before obtaining a “medical” users card. Most of these addicts have not seen a legitimate medical doctor in at least six years.

The ax I’m grinding is a big one; I’m one of the people who got cancer from a neighbor’s smoked marijuana. I lived in a small apartment where I couldn’t get away from it. Sixteen years after diagnosis, thanks to a diet free of sugar, corn syrup, alcoholic drinks and extracts and a move to the clean air of Gasquet, I’m still alive and ticking. And the pot-smoking neighbor is dead and buried.

Yeah, I know. Every neighborhood has one. Just seems like ours has several.

D.

Hat tip to Kate

Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene. And if you really want to laugh, do like my son did and look at all the “hidden” comments (comments that have netted more than six ‘thumbs-down’). For example,

who funds these idiots anyway??

***

And don’t forget to check below for the comments to 4000 and Oh, that’s just not right. I wrote a funny I did.

D.

Maybe it wasn’t one of my better jokes

. . . but this commenter takes me waaay to seriously.

This is stupid. Obviously the author doesn’t know the traits of someone who truly has steatopygia. Jennifer Lopez is not even close to having the condition (the angle from back to butocks must be 90 degrees). The correct term to describe her bottom would be “callipygia” which is a “well-shaped buttocks”. All of you are probably so used to seeing women with little or no buttocks that a slight protrusion would be steatogypia to you.

What’s at issue? Follow me below the fold.

(more…)

Caption Contest

I’m working on a Thirteen for later this evening. In the meantime, have fun with this.

An aside: doesn’t Spitzer’s wife look like she could be Jennifer Aniston’s mom?

D.

This is funny: What I Expect From MY 5500 Dollar A Night Hooker

My life in six words

Note to my reader from Bangalore: sorry, man! I clicked away from chat by accident.

Salon asks its readers to sum up their lives in six words — no more, no less. Think of it as the ultimate micro haiku.

This could have been mine:

Too much hair, then not enough.

I want to kick this guy’s ass:

Found my path. Walked it fearlessly.

I love the honesty of this next one. And, yes, it works for me, too.

Frankly, it is all about me.

But what about my six-word memoir?

Keeps getting funnier all the time.

Stolen from Beetlejuice. What’s the matter, Walnut, can’t you think of anything more original?

It is all about the sex.

What’s your six-word memoir?

D.