Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Who’d wanna live in a world without wood?
Today’s Smart Bitches Day post brings us Summer Devon’s Futurelove, an ebook I’ve wanted to read ever since I heard the premise. More on that in a moment. As those of you who have tried to get me to read your pdfs and ebooks know, I’m hopelessly slow at reading things off my computer. Dyslexic, in fact. I keep wanting to turn the page. The fingerprints are a bitch.
With the advent of my Blackberry, Summer’s erotica opened up to me like a nubile vixeny refugee from Barely Legal. Come to me, Summer! Show me your stuff!
Here’s the premise. In the future, I don’t know how people reproduce, but it doesn’t involve penises or vaginas. Clones, perhaps, or test tubes. Maybe they duplicate particularly attractive people using a transporter, just like they did in those old Star Trek episodes, Captain Kirk, Space Queen, and Good Kirk, Bad Kirk. I don’t know. Summer doesn’t tell us, and I don’t care, because this is erotica, not science fiction, and in erotica no one bloody cares how anything works as long as people with hot bodies are getting laid and getting laid frequently.
In the future, all manner of physical defects have been genetically engineered out of the human race. The men all have hot bods, they’re super-strong, they don’t fart or snore or leave their dirty socks lying around or ignore their girlfriends just because Monday Night Football is on and if they’re eating anything in bed, it sure ain’t crackers. They lack all of those 21st Century flaws — which would be cool, of course, except for the nonfunctional penis problem.
Collins, the guy with the penis problem, is some sort of time travel agent. He has to go back to the 21st Century to break up a fight, or take some kid’s knife away from him, or kick someone in the shins — I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter. To fit in with all those other 21st Century dudes, he has to take drugs (or stop taking drugs — I don’t remember that, either) to alleviate the nonfunctional penis problem. But he has never had a functional penis, and that’s a problem, especially if it starts functioning in the company of a female agent:
He raised his head and looked down at his swelling penis with disgust. “I’m going into total wild state, no doubt.”
“Good thing. Your assignment starts in less than two months.” Her voice petered out. “What is wrong with your penis?”
I laughed out loud at that (“What is wrong with your penis?” triggered many curious memories) and at many of Collins’s other misadventures. Soon, he’s back in time, where he meets Candy, a single woman with a boring boyfriend and a nudj for a mother. Candy could use a good man in her life, so it’s highly convenient when Collins pops out of the future and lands nearly on top of her.
Collins needs something, too.
Strange sensations assaulted him as he noticed her body. She had the exaggerated mammary glands of her time as well. But for some reason he did not find this natural appearance ludicrous or unattractive. Instead, he wondered what they might feel like in his hands. His curiosity sharpened. The hunger awoke and so did his penis.
All you beta readers who griped about my protag’s many erections can shut up now. Collins has wood problems that put Brad’s to shame.
And that’s the trouble. Summer, I never bought the idea, not for once, that Collins would ever dream of going back to the woodless future. In fact, the whole time travel agency would fall apart after each agent’s first mission.
But this is erotica, and no one picks apart the plot. Collins is fun, Candy is fun, Collins and Candy together are hot, and Summer’s writing sparkles with humor throughout.
Still, I suspect Summer is a closet SF-writer. Towards the end, she put in a lot (oh, at least a hundred words) of non-sex prose explaining why — oops! That would be a spoiler. But what are spoilers in erotica? I think an erotica spoiler would look something like this:
2 missionary
1 blow job
3 hand-gropes (2 from rear, one from in front)
1 doggy style
1 bondage (hero cuffed to four-poster bed)
1 near-miss anal
. . . or something like that. No, you won’t get those spoilers from me, not for Futurelove.
I give Futurelove my highest rating: FOUR ERECT PENISES!
Meet you at the Penis Start Line.
D.
So he didn’t go all primal and masturbate for hours on end?? Any normal bloke would be like “I LIKE my new toy, Whee!”
Gotta love those near-miss anals.
Snort.
Thank you! I am so going to put that on my home page “ballsandwalnuts gives FL four erect penises!”
Only isn’t it penii? Like hemipenii?
I’m busy writing about other people’s books.
No, I’m quite sure it’s penises. And hemipenises. And megapenises.
You’re welcome 🙂
yeah, Candy already corrected me at my blog.
sigh.
John Steinbeck used “penes” in The Grapes of Wrath.
Just sayin’…
What I said at my blog: “penii” looks right. and that penii in serif font looks uncircumcized.
And I thought that was so flipping hysterical I had to come over here and say it AGAIN.
[…] For the record, I love Kate’s writing, whether it’s her Summer Devon sex shtick (you know, the guy from the future where all men look like Michelangelo’s David only with a BIG penis) or Kate being Kate (here’s my review of Somebody Wonderful). I thought for sure I had reviewed Somebody to Love, too, but dammit, I can’t find it now. Well, I liked that one too! […]
[…] I’ll probably get around to posting them on my blog. Or putting in links or something. Here’s one link to a review of Futurelove. You know you’ll forget to do that in your blog. You kept careful track of the names of the entrants—you wrote down the names on paper–but have lost two actual review entries people emailed to you. Come on, you basically suck at promotion, you know that? […]