Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
SBD: Boys Need Romance
My son has kindly posed for today’s Smart Bitches Day post, but he urges me to tell my readers that he is NOT reading this romance, he is only pretending to do so to make his father happy.
Oh, well. His loss. He’ll miss all the hot sex scenes.
I’m not the kind of guy who obsesses over his past, looking back a week, a month, or twenty years, putting each and every conflict and conversation under a microscope, second-guessing himself, anguishing over mistakes made, paths not taken. That’s just not me.
Much.
Aaack. Who am I kidding? I regret things I did in dreams. When I was five. If I could remember my dirty diapers, I’d probably regret those, too. If only I had held it in a little longer.
When you obsess over the past, sometimes you manage to figure a few things out, but then again, sometimes you spin your wheels for decades. Does any of this help? Maybe. If it keeps you from effing up your life in the present, then yes, it helps.
Recently I had the thought, If only I had read romance in Junior High. Romance could have transformed my adolescence, could have saved me from missed opportunities and botched relationships. But, no. I was reading Robert Heinlein, whose idea of romance went something like this:
Middle-aged male protagonist surrounds himself with beautiful women who hang upon his every word and give him all the sex a man of his brilliance deserves.
Heinlein’s male characters did not model good courting behavior. (I have strong suspicions that most male SF writers of the 60s and 70s were virgins or had to pay for it.) My brother, father, and friends were all atrocious models, too. I needed something different.
I needed Romance.
Boys need Romance. Think about it:
- Most boys don’t know how to express their feelings. Romances are full of male characters who undergo various torments before finally managing to express their feelings.
- Most boys can’t even recognize their own feelings, let alone express them. Imagine how wonderful it would be for them to discover, through reading Romance, that they have feelings, too.
- And most boys are so confused by their own feelings, you would only reduce them to tears if you pointed out that girls have feelings, too. Romance allows them to discover this harsh truth in a safe, controlled environment.
Expect to meet resistance when you ask your ten-year-old to read Romance. Have your arguments well rehearsed.
Q: Why do I have to read this?
A: You know that girl down the street, Julie Newman?
Q: Jooo-lee Neeeew-man, eeeeew.
A: In a few short years, she will have breasts, and you won’t be able to think of anything else.
Q: You’re making me uncomfortable.
A: But it’s true. It’s important for you to learn how to talk to girls now, because when the time comes, you’ll want to know the best way to score get them to like you. And a large part of that is learning to communicate.
Q: This sounds boring.
A: That book your holding? Has four incredibly hot sex scenes in it.
Q: Really?
A (taking book away): But since you’re so certain it’s gonna be boring . . .
Q: Um. Hang on a second.
***
The best romances I have read answer questions which would bewilder the typical boy. Or man, for that matter. Foremost among these questions: What do women want? What do they need? What do they love about us? What do we do that drives them nuts?
Yes, I’m making sweeping generalizations, but you know it’s true. Guys, be they 13 or 33, don’t know the answers to these questions. That’s not the bad part, though. The bad part is, they don’t even know they should be asking these questions.
***
I don’t think men and women are all that different. We all want more than love — we want to be adored, cherished. Some men may think all they want is great sex, but isn’t great sex a byproduct of being adored? If they’re being honest with themselves, they’ll realize they want it all.
What differs between the sexes, I think, is our comfort level and capacity to deal with emotional issues. Most men are hopeless at this. I’ve been hopeless at it most of my life, and as I mentioned, I’m a relatively introspective and analytic kind of guy.
Boys need Romance. We need it because it models the behaviors and thought processes with which we are clueless. We need it because, with rare exception, nothing and no one in our lives teaches us how to acknowledge our own emotions and recognize the emotional needs of others, and these skills do not come naturally.
Okay, ’nuff said. I wanted to point out that not all authors and not all subgenres are ideal for this task, but I suspect you know this already. And I wanted to end with something really punchy, but I’m backed up with patients, so this is what you get.
D.
The bad part is, they don’t even know they should be asking these questions.
No, the bad part is that even when they ask the questions of women, they don’t always listen.
Holy crap – you are a most enlightened male (aside from that God among men, Joss Whedon). My husband hates Dirty Dancing. I have tried for years to let him know that getting Dirty Dancing is the key to getting more… from me. No go. Sigh….
Really awesome post, Doug.
So what is Jake’s first romance going to be?
And have you ever read any Diana Gabaldon?
M
Doug, you beat me to it – I’ve been thinking all week-end about saying pretty much the same things in my own blog about why men should read romances. I mean, seems so obvious that if a man wants to know what kind of behavior women want men to exhibit, men would read something written by a woman that’s all about idealized male behavior. I felt so stupid that it took me so long to figure out that if I had only read things like GQ and Playboy earlier I would’ve known about some of men’s opinions on idealized female behavior eons before I figured them out for myself – and saved myself a lot of wasted angst.
P.S. And Jake can’t go wrong with that Jennifer Crusie book he’s not reading there if you can talk him into it – I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my husband to read that one for yonks because I’m certain he’d like it, if only he could get over the ridiculous stigma that exists in his own mind.
nox, that’s all part of the problem, isn’t it?
Thanks for stopping by, salome. Now, who is this Joss Whedon dude?
Thanks, DM. Nope, I haven’t read any DG yet. Where should I start?
Fiveandfour: believe it or not, he has read two romances — a YA vampire romance & a fantasy with a heavy romantic plot. I don’t think he’s willing to admit to this, however.
You are kidding about not knowing who Joss Whedon is, aren’t you? Aren’t you?
PC Cast has said she strips the covers off of romances and gives them to her high school students (boys included) who ask for something “good to read” and that nearly all of them ask for some more once they read that first one. Heh – it’s all in the marketing :).
Well DG is a series, heavy on the Scot fetish that seems to dominant time travel romance. Start with Outlander.
M
Must be something in the air. I was thinking about that yesterday morning. As I was reading aloud to my sons (12 & 16) a not-quite-sex-scene in Furies of Calderon. (started on p. 358 HERE)
I agree, and it pains me to think I’m being sexist, since I gave my daughter romances at 16, but…
P.C. Cast, huh? I could do that. Or maybe a Loretta Chase. He’s very into history.
Of course, that would mean convincing him to actually read. The short one reads before he goes to bed, but the tall one’s another story. Any suggestions?
I dunno. I got all into Harlequins in junior high, and I think it messed me up more than anything. Do you want to turn your son into a lesbian, or something?
Anyway, great post. I’m just getting to know your blog, and I’m enjoying it.
So, if my son became a lesbian, he’d get to have sex with other lesbians?
I could live with that.
oh, i so so so agree with DementedM. diana gabaldon is amazing. i started her when i was 11 and havent stopped since.
i also agree with you. i had to hide my romance books in middle/high school, but if everyone read them the world would be a better place. and maybe guys wouldnt be such jerks. yeah. plus, they’re good for vocabulary too (and not just the dirty kind). there’s a reason i did so well on my SATs.
go doug!
Okay, okay, I’ll buy Outlander already. Happy?
Oy, my shaina maidel! How are you, bubbeleh?
Well, I didn’t find your contact info up there, but am de-lurking to let you know I’ve picked this post as October’s Perfect Post. (There’s a button and everything!) I totally agree that boys (and guys of any age) would benefit immensely from reading a really good romance novel. (Outlander is pretty good, but I’d suggest a Nora Roberts … I think something from the Chesapeake Bay series would be a good starting place. Three tough brothers and all that.)
So congrats!
Thanks, NTE. I’m pulling Outlander off my TBR pile for the plane ride today 😉
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LOL! I see why this was a Perfect Post. Funny!…and a little true.
😉
[…] . . . which I won for my Smart Bitches Day post, Boys Need Romance. Thanks, NTE! If this keeps up, I’ll have to start stacking awards on my sidebar. […]
You should really read a book by William S Pollack, called “Real Boys.” It tends to mirror, in a more professional fashion, your feelings here.