Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Ghost hummer
I wish I could remember where I first read about Vincent Gallo’s one-man opus, The Brown Bunny. The reviewer had much to say about a film produced, written, edited, and starred in by Gallo, which seemed to have as its whole point the receipt of a real, honest-to-God, nothing-held-back, lip-smackin’ hummer by Gallo. But the reviewer said nothing, not a damned thing about the mind-numbing boredom.
Gallo plays Bud, a motorcycle racer who takes a road trip to California, where he used to live with Daisy (Chloë Sevigny). He meets a few girls along the way, nothing much happens between them, and then he gets to California, where ghost Daisy gives him head. Scroll credits.
The movie begins with a motorcycle race and, like any porn movie, I’m fast-forwarding by the third lap. By the sixth lap, fast-forward or not, I’m screaming at the TV, “Wipe out or win, already!” But nothing happens. Gallo finishes third or whatever, loads his motorcycle into his van, and hits the road.
Here’s the 60 second version of The Brown Bunny:
Imagine long, lingering shots of Gallo racing, driving, eating, taking a leak, driving, looking at pets in a pet store, driving, looking sensitive, buying a Coke, making out with Cheryl Tiegs (kissing only, and dull kissing at that), crying, driving, looking at his tires, showering, gassing up the van, getting his bike fixed, making a phone call, washing his face, getting his famous hummer, and whining.
Most porn movies have a better plot. Wait a sec: all porn movies have a better plot, because this movie has no plot. I gather we’re supposed to wonder why Mr. Angsty is so angsty, but I laughed my way through this self-indulgent turd. It’s an endurance test, that’s what it is. How many loving shots (each several minutes long) of Vince Gallo’s leather jacket-clad back, tee shirt-clad chest, and denim-clad ass can you tolerate?
In fairness, Gallo does have Art in mind. He has created what might be called an end-loaded movie, a film in which all becomes clear in the final moments. Atom Egoyan’s Exotica provides an example of a well done end-loaded film. The backwards-told Memento is another. However, unlike Exotica and Memento, nothing happens in the many minutes leading up to the The Brown Bunny’s ultimate revelation.
Many folks call this the worst movie ever made. Sorry to disagree, but another rabbit movie is more deserving: Joan Rivers’ Rabbit Test. Gallo’s movie bored me but it was good for a few laughs. Rivers’ movie made me hate myself.
Note to Gallo: if you’re going to make a movie that will be notable only for one sex scene, don’t put brown in the title. Even after I saw the brown rabbit, I kept worrying about brown all the way until the end of the movie.
And finally, a question for Gallo: what’s the matter — can’t you even be your own sound mixer? You did everything else.
Ugh. I think I need to watch Chica Boom 10 to get The Brown Bunny out of my head.
D.
“Exotica” is one of my favorites. Atom Egoyan is amazing.
An early film of his, “Speaking Parts,” is well worth seeking out.
Thanks for the tip, Jim. I hadn’t heard of “Speaking Parts.”
[…] 8. Rabbit Test (1978). Worst movie ever made . . . until I saw The Brown Bunny. (Okay, if you follow that link you’ll discover I rated Rabbit Test as worse than The Brown Bunny. So I’m not entirely consistent. But they are both far worse than any of the classic world’s-worsts: Plan 9 From Outer Space, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Mars Needs Women all kick ass over those two lagomorphic movies.) […]
[…] vote for a movie to avoid before you die? The Brown Bunny — something like ninety minutes of excruciatingly angsty pseudo-meaningful but ultimately […]
[…] are no bad sex scenes. Rape doesn’t count because that’s violence, not sex. And the Brown Bunny doesn’t count because it’s not the terminal BJ which makes the movie rotten, it’s […]