. . . to that nice young man who gave me a speeding ticket last week. Seems I got up to 70 mph when I passed a Mazda truck.<\/p>\n
\nCaveat<\/strong><\/p>\n
for my auto insurance provider and various and sundry individuals in law enforcement. This is SATIRE, capisce? Not an admission of guilt. Heck, most of this isn’t even true<\/em>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Thirteen things I’d like to say to that strapping lad from the CHP:<\/p>\n
1. You mean there’s a law against that?<\/p>\n
2. You may<\/em> have clocked that Mazda truck at 55, but when I<\/em> passed him, he was doing 54. I swear it.<\/p>\n
3. While we’re on the subject, this 55 thing? Doesn’t work for me.<\/p>\n
4. But anyway, that was pretty slick passing, huh? I mean, the way I slipped around that guy, it was like he was standing still<\/em>.<\/p>\n
5. Yes, it DOES matter to me if I get home forty seconds sooner.<\/p>\n
6. Huh? Why? Because my childhood sucked. (The My Parents were Mean to Me<\/em> defense. Hey, it worked for Zacharias Moussaoui.)<\/p>\n
7. Live hard, die young, eh? You<\/em> know what I mean. I saw you strutting back to your car, fondling your big hard billy club.<\/p>\n
8. I don’t understand why you can’t let me off with a warning, like those last six officers who pulled me over for speeding. Excuse me — alleged<\/em> speeding.<\/p>\n
9. What if I promised to spend the remainder of my working career helping the old and sick?<\/p>\n
10. It was just my crappy luck, you being there at that instant. You wouldn’t want to penalize a guy for bad luck, would you?<\/p>\n
11. Look at the way my hands are shaking. I’m not sure I’ll even be able to drive again, let alone speed. I’d say I’ve been punished enough, wouldn’t you?<\/p>\n
12. Tell you what. You rip up that ticket for me doing 70, I’ll take off like a bat out of hell, and you can nail me for doing 85. Think how much better that will look.<\/p>\n
13. Look, over there in the redwoods — I saw a flash of orange. It’s an escaped Pelican Bay prisoner, I’m sure of it! Hurry, you have to hurry!<\/p>\n
D.<\/p>\n
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!<\/a><\/p>\n
You know what to do. Do it.<\/p>\n
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants<\/a><\/code><\/div>\nGuppyman gives us thirteen links to Guppyman<\/a><\/div>\nDarla recalls 13 boyfriends<\/a> (why didn’t I ever think of that?)<\/div>\nMake sure you ask Mrs. Cranky Pants<\/a> how old that condom is<\/div>\nLisa gives us thirteen movie quotes<\/a><\/div>\nSxKitten steams up the room<\/a><\/div>\nSigourney Weaver’s acting skills suck.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
. . . to that nice young man who gave me a speeding ticket last week. Seems I got up to 70 mph when I passed a Mazda truck. Caveat for my auto insurance provider and various and sundry individuals in law enforcement. This is SATIRE, capisce? Not an admission of guilt. Heck, most of… Continue Reading Thirteen things I wish I’d said<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-865","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-thirteen-candles","radius"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/865","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=865"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/865\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=865"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=865"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=865"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}