{"id":1480,"date":"2006-11-26T20:59:43","date_gmt":"2006-11-27T04:59:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/?p=1480"},"modified":"2006-11-26T21:02:19","modified_gmt":"2006-11-27T05:02:19","slug":"five-minute-brokeback","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/?p=1480","title":{"rendered":"Five-minute Brokeback"},"content":{"rendered":"

Brokeback Mountain<\/a><\/em> finally made it to cable TV, which doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to watch it. No, it means Karen’s going to watch it, tell me all about it, and I’ll translate it for you. In the spirit of Five-Minute Shakespeare<\/a>, I bring you Five-Minute Brokeback<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Cue music.<\/p>\n

Doug: You watching Brokeback Spongebob<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Karen: No —<\/p>\n

Doug: Brokeback to the Future?<\/em><\/p>\n

Karen: No. Brokeback Mountain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

A few minutes later . . .<\/p>\n


\nDoug: Them are sheep, not cows.<\/p>\n

Karen: Observant.<\/p>\n

Doug: So them are sheepboys, not cowboys.<\/p>\n

Karen: Shhh. I’m trying to watch this.<\/p>\n

Doug: “Ennis, yer cuter ‘n a sheep’s ass, you are.”<\/p>\n

Karen: Come on!<\/p>\n

Doug: “Ennis, y’ever notice how your name kinda sounds like –”<\/p>\n

Karen: SHUT THE FVCK UP.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Doug: Did they do it already?<\/p>\n

Karen: Yeah.<\/p>\n

Doug: Was it hot?<\/p>\n

Karen: Not terribly. They did it, then they got married. To women. Because they don’t think society will approve of their love.<\/p>\n

Doug: That’s the whole movie?<\/p>\n

Karen: Pretty much. They have no insight into their lives, so they spend most of the movie giving each other soulful looks —<\/p>\n

Doug: Boring.<\/p>\n

Karen: — and kissing occasionally.<\/p>\n

Doug: Eeew. I don’t mind them hitting each other’s ass, but kissing?<\/p>\n

Karen: Yeah, I don’t know why the critics loved this so much.<\/p>\n

Doug: Because not since Arthur Hiller’s blockbuster Making Love<\/em><\/a> has Hollywood been so daring as to show two men tongue-wrestling? Anyway, how did it end?<\/p>\n

Karen: Don’t know. I stopped watching it.<\/p>\n

So, yeah, you guys will have to clue me in. By the way, a word to the wise: if you’re searching google (with safe search off) for a sheep’s butt, do not, DO NOT, use “sheep ass” as your search term. Don’t do it. Don’t even ask.<\/p>\n

D.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Brokeback Mountain finally made it to cable TV, which doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to watch it. No, it means Karen’s going to watch it, tell me all about it, and I’ll translate it for you. In the spirit of Five-Minute Shakespeare, I bring you Five-Minute Brokeback. Cue music. Doug: You watching Brokeback Spongebob? Karen:… Continue Reading Five-minute Brokeback<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1480","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stardust","radius"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1480","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1480"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1480\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1480"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1480"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ballsandwalnuts.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1480"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}