Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Monthly Archives: November 2007
Support your local writer
Oy, the Writer’s Strike. Will those evil corporate minions ever learn that they are no match for organized creative talent?
For those of you who are suffering JSSCWS (Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert Withdrawal Syndrome, which is only a little less damaging than Priapic Sleep Arousal Syndrome), The Daily Show’s writers have put together an entertaining YouTube video, showcased over at DailyKos. Enjoy.
D.
Friday Flickr Babes: Dragon Ladies.
From my sister, we have a nasty dragon lady:
Not bad. The fist is a nice touch. I guess I wouldn’t turn her away if she raked her nails down my neck, saying, “You make me crazy, baby. How ’bout I show you the sweetness of pain,” but if we saw each other in a bar, I wouldn’t be buying her any drinks.
From Flickr, however, we have a truly GREAT dragon lady. Dean, who has a thing about women’s backs, is gonna love this gal.
Thirteen PC Games
Hey, Sis. Do you think the folks would pop the $$ so that my ferret can get a tummy tuck? Cuz he’s getting FAT.
The average man spends 23 years of his life (or more) asleep, but the average PC gamer spends only 12 years of his life asleep. He spends 42 years of his life playing PC games, and yeah, sorry, I’m making shit up again.
Below the fold: 12 PC games I dearly loved at one time or another, plus one my son and I await with exceptional impatience. How many of these have you played?
Am I weird?
Friends Forever, originally uploaded by petranella.
I have male friends, but it would never occur to me to write to them or call them, let alone confide in them. When I call my old friend Stan, which isn’t as often as I should, I’m delighted when his wife answers. I have a far easier time talking to her, in fact.
All of my really close friends are women.
How about you? Are most of your friends same sex, opposite sex, or is there no trend?
Sorry, I never figured out how to make the polling gizmo work. You’ll just have to leave a comment.
D.
PS: Don’t know if I’ll have a Cosmo Thirteen for you tomorrow. I’m feeling pretty exhausted tonight, and those Cosmo Thirteens are usually a two- to three-day affair.
Some guys are so picky
Given a healthy dose of luck, I should have a Cosmo Thirteen for you this week; but as I worked my way through the November issue, one article caught my attention — one so special, I knew I would never be able to do it justice within the narrow confines of a Thirteen.
What Not to Do in Bed
Most guys aren’t going to tell you to your face that one of your mattress moves isn’t hitting the mark . . . but they’ll tell us! Read carefully as dudes confess the techniques that left them less than enthralled.
By Daniel Kraus
I know a certain 19-year-old boy who is getting well and truly and regularly laid. Recently, I told him, in absolute seriousness, never ever to take a steady supply of sex for granted. With that advice in mind, let me lambaste the sensitive morons of Cosmo who would have women believe there is anything they shouldn’t do in bed.
SBD: Notice me! *updated*
For Smart Bitches Day, if Kate gets to rant about sloppy publishers and Lyvvie gets to crit I, Lucifer, I say it’s fair game for me to kvetch about my damned romance.
Why won’t anyone notice me? I sent out seven query packages and got seven rejections. Not one request for more material, not one personalized note — form letters, all of them. Then I sent off four queries electronically, to agents who prefer to deal with writers that way, and I haven’t heard back from anyone yet.
Admittedly, eleven queries is bupkes in this biz. Y’all send out dozens, I imagine, but between working a day job, cooking great meals for my family, and sitting on my ass reading people’s blogs, who has time to prepare dozens of queries? Because they all ask for something different. It’s almost a point of honor with these agents.
Rampant in the self-help-for-wannabe-authors literature is the notion that quality sells. If you write well enough, you WILL be noticed, you WILL be published. Hah! If it were that easy, I would have received at least one personalized comment — “Not right for us, but I like your style. Keep trying.” Is that so much to ask? As much as I might bitch about the short story market (and I could bitch a lot), I received several notes of encouragement. It wasn’t much, but it was enough.
This is not an ego issue. Surgical internship toughens the ego into this leathery thing you wouldn’t let your dog chew — you try working 80 hours a week on a steady diet of “Doogie” this and “Doogie” that, “Touch that one more time and I’ll rip off your head and shit down your neck,” or “What were you thinking? We don’t pay you to think.” I survived internship at the biggest county hospital in the nation. I don’t need an agent’s (editor’s, publisher’s) recognition to make me whole.
It’s more a problem-solving issue with me. I’ve set myself a task and I’m unhappy with the murky, chance-riddled path to success. Nothing left to do but send out more queries, right? Because, short of becoming a stalker, there’s no other way to be noticed, is there?
*checking computer clock* Well, that successfully spent another thirty minutes of free time. The laundry’s done, the kitchen’s clean, my wife and son are well fed. Nothing left to do but (don’tclickonDailyKos don’tclickonDailyKos don’tclickonDailyKos) get to work on those queries.
Oh. Don’t forget Kate’s contest and my contest.
D.
Update
Now I’m looking at the publishing houses. First up, Avalon Books.
Our books are wholesome adult fiction, suitable for family reading. There is no graphic or premarital sex or sexual tension in any of our novels; kisses and embraces are as far as our characters go.
Hmm. I take it rimming is a deal-breaker?
Farsumauro (meat-stuffed meat. It’s meatylicious!)
The concept is so simple: use a thin sheet of meat to wrap a filling of one sort or another. Brown, braise, and serve.
I adapted this from a recipe I found in the last Italian cookbook you’ll ever need, Marcella Hazan’s Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking. Like all the recipes I’ve tried from this book, farsumauro rocks.
Don’t miss the contest (next post down). After you enter the contest, meet me below the fold for some meat-stuffed meat.
The Gimme A Good Book Contest
(Not literally “gimme.” I’m not begging for books.)
We have some vacation time coming up — the Bay Area for Thanksgiving, Vegas for Christmas – New Years. That means I’ll have access to real bookstores and won’t be dependent on Barnes & Noble online or Paperback Swap. But I need ideas, people, because whenever I have time for a REAL bookstore, I never have enough time to browse. And if I browse, who knows, maybe I’ll miss something great.
Here’s the contest: in the comments, sell me on a book. Authors, feel free to pimp your own books; the rest of you, pimp your friends’ books, if you like. Or just sell me on the best damned book you’ve read lately. Distant past, best-book-I’ve-ever-read is fair game, too. Easy, isn’t it? As I read through the comments, I’ll keep a running list of the books I want to buy. Of those, I’ll pick two people as winners, and each of you will get a $20 gift certificate to Barnes & Noble or Amazon or whichever bookseller you choose.
The contest ends Saturday, Nov. 17, since we’ll be leaving next Sunday.
Likes, in general: genre fiction, but no horror or cowpunchers, please. I like SF, fantasy (interesting stuff like Neil Gaiman or Tam’s novels, not the 900-page Tolkien wannabes, please), romance (especially if it’s funny or nasty — preferably both), hardboiled/noir, and the occasional crime novel.
I dislike SERIOUS fiction, the kind of novel that aims at revealing the Deep Thoughts of Life and forgets to entertain.
Technical excellence is important.
***
I should have a nifty food photo-blog for you later today. Stay tuned.
If you would be interested in guest-blogging while we’re on vacation, email me at (azureus at harborside dot com). We’ll have our laptop with us, so I should be able to do some blogging; nevertheless, Balls and Walnuts hasn’t had any guest bloggers in a long time, and it could be great fun.
D.
Kate has a contest
I expended my evening’s creativity on those 400 words, so if you want something to read, you know where to find it. And you’ll see lots of our friends among the entries — Sam, Dean, microsoar, and a few folks I haven’t met.
Live blogging tonight, but I’m not sure when. Depends on the leg o’ lamb. And oy, I’m tired; I think I’ve been cooking and cleaning continuously since noon. Aside from the lamb, I made some kind of eggplant dip, dough for a focaccia, tiramisu, and a pumpkin sweet potato pie. Oh, and I made breakfast for the fam, too.
Check in around 8 PM PST . . . hopefully I’ll be here.
D.
Friday Flickr Babes: nude, of course
Untrusting, originally uploaded by Delerina.
Dean, I think you’ll like Delerina’s portfolio. Let me know.
I would like to take this opportunity to alert you to an overlooked health problem that afflicts roughly 50.5% of the general population: PSAS — Priapic Sleep Arousal Syndrome. While REM Sleep Behavior Syndrome (violent physical outbursts during dream sleep) has a more dramatic presentation, it is still an uncommon condition. Priapic Sleep Arousal Syndrome, on the other hand, can strike anyone burdened with unsatisfied erectile tissue.
Extreme cases are easily recognized (pdf):
His wife also reported episodes of amnestic sexual behavior that began 4 years before referral. During the episodes, the patient typically procured his wife, achieving complete sexual intercourse with total amnesia. Episodes of sexual behavior during sleep occurred once a month. His wife remained in bed with him after the episodes. The patient did not consent to being videotaped.
The 50.5% figure may be an underestimation by nearly 100%, as erection during REM sleep (dream sleep) is not limited to men.
A man experiences penile erections; a woman experiences clitoral engorgement.
Priapic Sleep Arousal Syndrome: a silent killer!
Prevent Priapic Sleep Arousal Syndrome!
Fuck Your Spouse Today
D.