Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Monthly Archives: June 2007
Thirteen numbers: FINISHED!
I should have stopped with the number list and borne the brunt of your insults.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
Because sometimes, that’s all I gots.
Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
Contemplating a “Thirteen Worst Pickup Lines” post, I find this gem of a page, which includes the warning
Any attempt to rebroadcast this page without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and the Atlanta Braves is strictly prohibited (Implied oral consent is insufficient).
Do Major League Baseball players even need a pickup line past, “I’m a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves”? But I digress.
True story: back in college, I found a book entitled 1001 Best Pickup Lines in an Embarcadero gift shop. At that time in my life, I really could have used 1001 Best Pickup Lines. My idea of a good line: “You know, sex doesn’t HAVE to mean anything.” Or: “Yeah, I know you’re a head taller than me, but I think I can get past that.”
Needy or not, after leafing through 1001 Best Pickup Lines, I didn’t waste my money. It’s amazing how fast you can rack up 1001 lines when the first one is, “Hi! You look like a Gemini,” and the next 11 follow suit. “You look like you enjoy [motorcycle riding, gymnastics, scuba diving . . .]” is good for a few dozen lines, and “Hi! You look [Swedish, Brazilian, Turkish . . .],” covers at least 100 more. (Watch out, though, because, “Hi! You look Burkinabé,” might be met with a blank expression, or worse.)
So it intrigued me, to say the least, to find Major League Baseball’s repository of pickup lines, complete with success statistics. To wit:
“Do you take it up the ass?” 17 attempts, 2 successes.
SBD: Kissing impaired
First the news: I’ve made it to Round Three in the Samhain Contest. My entry is now #4 in the comment thread. This is the make-or-break line, in my opinion. If I don’t alienate my supporter(s) with this one, I might just make it to the finish line.
***
“Kiss Me Goodnight,” from marco_n65
Last Thursday, Thorne commented that she would like me to write about:
Your first kiss. (The kiss by which all others have been judged; and found wanting)
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Over the weekend, I started re-editing my romance, and when I came to the first kiss, I thought Meh. I play the first and second kisses for laughs, and none of them ever rise to rock-my-world quality. I also recall many of my betas griping about my lack of time and attention to kissing. All seemed to agree that my writing is trapped in Freud’s Genital Stage.
Pimpage: Summer Devon
Bam has an interview with Summer Devon, a really GOOD one, too. If you leave a comment, you have a chance to win Summer’s Taming Him AND an Amazon gift certificate.
You heard it here first. Um, maybe.
D.
A Prayer of Understanding
Live-blogging last night, I realized I had never posted one of my favorite stories, one which I got published in 2005: “Saul the Deserted,” originally titled “A Prayer of Understanding.”
Yeah, both titles suck. I suck at titles. Titles are Teh Suckitude.
But it’s a good story, IMHO, not at all like the others I’ve posted. You’ll find it at the bottom of my “Pages” list, or you can click here.
We’ll use the comment thread for the story, or feel free to shoot the shit. I’m going back to my romance — which, by the way, still needs a title. Last time I checked Amazon, Technical Virgins and Sloppy Firsts have both been taken. That about exhausts my titular creativity.
D.
A bloody long question meme . . .
Most recently from O’Brien’s place.
Were you named after anyone? Undoubtedly some guy who died in WWII. I’ll try to get the details from my dad.
When was the last time you cried? Last night, watching V for Vendetta. Chokes me up every time. If you haven’t seen it yet, please rent it; and if you think it romanticizes terrorism, you are missing the point.
Friday Flickr Babes: HORNY
I don’t know how Dean finds his Flickr Babes. I really don’t. But he has impeccable taste.
Me? I just searched for “horny.”
Horny Toad, originally uploaded by JimmyJames1982.
That might not be appealing to you, but to us folks who love us some reptiles, the horned toad is creme de la creme. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen them lap up ants, or shoot blood out of their eyes.
But you wanted a horny babe.
Thirteen questions
This time around, you’ll have to do some work: answer at least one of the following questions in the comments, and you’ll get your linky lurve, you linky lurvehound you.
Extra-special lurve for answers which creatively interpret the question(s).
Darla: ask and ye shall receive . . .
1. What was the last item you shoplifted? A Brach’s caramel at Safeway market. I was four or five, and the caramels were out there for the taking. O Safeway, thou evil temptress!
2. The last time you faked an orgasm, why did you do it? Pity. All-nighters sound like fun until the “rug burn” kicks in. (Kidding, kidding!)
3. What’s the kinkiest thing you ever did in bed? The sex itself wasn’t all that kinky. Having the dog watch (and whine) — that was kinky.
4. Why did you stop beating your wife (husband, significant other)? She didn’t seem to be enjoying herself as much as I’d hoped.
5. What do you regret more than anything else? Playing it safe.
6. If you were sixteen again and knew then what you know now, what would you do first? Write myself a note: Invest in Apple, Genentech, Dell . . .
7. What do you despise the most about your husband (wife, significant other)? She complains constantly, whines about everything, never picks up after herself, and pesters me constantly for sex.
Oh, wait! That’s me!
8. If you could force me to write about one thing, what would it be? Internship. One of these days, I’ll manage to do my Internship Thirteen.
9. What lie have you told in order to get sex? My head will explode if I don’t get off.
10. What lie have you told in order to avoid sex? N/A
11. Which deadly sin do you commit daily? LUST. And maybe gluttony.
12. What is your idea of heaven? Food and sex, presented to me with such creativity and flair that neither ever become boring.
13. What would it take to get you in bed? If you’re my frau? An invitation. I’m easy.
You know what to do!
Hmm. Maybe I should join in on Renee’s book meme
May interviews Stephanie V. Kelsey, editor-in-chief of Mojocastle Press
If you want to know who wrote this first line:
Lady Rowenna gasped in horror at the sight of Lord Raoul’s majestic purple-helmeted warrior of love.
. . . you’ll have to read Darla’s Thirteen.
I think Shaina wants us to know she’s innocent 🙂
protected static: are picky eaters universal?
thorne: if it’s Tuesday, this must be tarot
Kate’s thirteen sexy women. No fair picking next door neighbors & teachers, folks who can’t be google-imaged!
D.
Dream home
We’re getting closer and closer to completing starting two major bits of unfinished home remodeling business: the floors and the kitchen countertops. The wife and I kind of like this vinyl Konecto stuff, but there’s a problem. Supposedly, it’s easy as pie to install, so of course everyone seems to think I can install it.
Um. Right.
Whenever we futz with our house, I remember a For Sale By Owner home I viewed in San Antonio way back in ’97. What a place. I bet it’s still on the market.