If I told you you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

When I was a teenager, I imagined married couples would have sex constantly. Nightly at a minimum, perhaps more often, work schedules permitting. Why wouldn’t they? They would have the means, motive, and opportunity. It would require a focused act of willpower to get anything else done.

I excepted my parents from this presumption, of course, and my girlfriend’s parents, too. Impossible to imagine any of them getting nasty. But people in their twenties — wow. Hook up a generator and you could light a metropolis.

At 17, I never imagined fatigue could affect libido (like I would have let a sleepless night slow me down?) Nor did I think illness, worry, or depression would ever factor into the equation. What could you worry/be depressed about if you had a steady supply?

The photo comes from Avenavin.com, a website that markets Avenavin, a “female vitality blend.” I find this photo remarkably expressive, from the pocket pool-playing nitwit in the foreground to the scheming Mrs. Robinson in the background. I can almost hear her saying, “Rrrroooowr!” They need to include a video demonstrating her new, improved pouncing ability. But I can’t help but think her plans are ill-fated. Perhaps it’s his Morrissey-like look of despondency.

I found the Avenavin folks by googling “female libido” (this, after Thorne led me to Feministing‘s piece on a new drug which makes female shrews waggle their bottoms, present their rumps, and eat less food). Avenavin isn’t the appetite-reducing bum-shaking drug, just to be clear; what it is, is a mixture of various herbs ‘n spices. They give an ingredients list, if you’re curious. Anyway, I was taken by some of the testimonials:

It is wonderful, I made the mistake and took it before bed and tried to go to sleep, I had to wake my husband up in the middle of the night, but he didn’t mind. Just wanted to say thank you again! So does my husband!

See, men are ready all the time. It’s the nature of the beast. The only thing that destroys my libido is stomach flu, and even then I wake up with erections. What woman wouldn’t want that same sense of readiness?

Thanks Avenavin, I feel like a sorority girl again. I’ve become more confident, more aggressive and much more sociable since I started taking your product. Incredible sex and I have several orgasms now before climaxing.

Not to stray too far off topic, but am I missing some sort of fine distinction between orgasms and climaxing? Cuz if I am . . . I mean, I’m still trying to wrap my head around female ejaculation.

What I’m attempting to say is this: I still can’t understand why married couples aren’t boinking nightly. Assuming neither partner is in pain or grievously ill, that is, and that both have the skills to make it fun for the other. Sex should trump everything: not just fatigue, worry, and depression, but screaming babies, overdue bills, hangnails, and hangovers.

If we were more bonobo-like, the world would be a better place; but libido apparently defies logic. Which is why I pledge to make tomorrow’s Thirteen about aphrodisiacs. Hopefully, I’ll discover one we can slip into the water supply.

D.