Balls and Walnuts
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Future Republican talking points
A-well-a don’t you know about the bird?
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word!
Surfin’ Bird
The Trashmen, 1963
Writers of America:
With the Bush Administration’s poll numbers striking out into uncharted territory, your help is needed now. Active crises abound. More crises loom in the near future. Given its sluggardly response to Hurricane Katrina, the Administration cannot afford to appear slow-to-respond when the next disaster unfolds.
They need fresh, hot memes, ready to go for each new crisis. Rapid meme application should give Americans that “Dubya’s on top of things” feeling they crave from their President.
Memes such as “fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here”, “compassionate conservative”, “culture of life”, and “the blame game” have a finite shelf life. Before long, they lose their mind-altering efficacy and become focal points of parody. Truly effective mind control requires a steady flow of new memes.
To get you all thinking in the right manner, I have provided a list of potential crises with appropriate meme-laden responses. (See below. Memes will be in bold face.) Do your best to think of other fine memes and/or other crises that this Administration may soon face. Remember, we want the common man to think that Dubya’s all over this; we want him to look at Dubya and say, “That man’s brain kicks ass!”
For you libbrels reading this blog, look at the pretty bird.
Crisis: Special Prosecutor Patrick J. Fitzgerald presents evidence to the Grand Jury arguing for indictments of Vice President Dick Cheney, I. Louis Libby, and Karl Rove.
GWB’s Response: “Know what I think? I think Hitzy-Fitzy has an obviously partisan agenda. These aren’t indictments. These are spitements. And we’re forgetting the victim here, Valerie Plame. It’s a Plame shame, that’s what it is. But we gotta get beyond all that. We gotta get on with our lives. And if that doesn’t work, I say we blame Plame.”
Crisis: An unnamed White House insider leaks documents proving the Bush Administration intentionally delayed its response to Hurricane Katrina because “it’ll be a whole lot cheaper once most of ’em are dead,” and “none of them po darkies vote Republican anyways.”
GWB’s Response: “Who you gonna believe, me or someone who won’t even tell you his name? But you know me. Like my favorite author wrote, that great Negro-American writer Ralph Ellison, I yam what I am.”
Grins.
“I’m telling you the truth. I’m a truth-teller. That’s what I do, I tell the truth. I’m not lying. Mr. Unnamed Source, he’s a liar. Heh heh heh.”
He pats Condi Rice on the back. “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job. And, speaking of brownies, know what my second-favorite philosopher Martin Luther King said? He said, ‘I have a dream.’ And in my dream, America respects the truth. They don’t respect no Mr. Unnamed Source who won’t even tell you his name.
As for me, I stand for the truth. Know what my favorite Negro-American activist Malcolm in the Middle said? He said, “If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” So I ask you, my fellow Americans: who you gonna fall for, me, or some guy who won’t even tell you his name?”
Ugh. I thought I could do a whole blog on this, but I’m making myself sick.
Your turn.
D.
“I’m a baby eater. An eater of babies.”
Jonathan Swift ain’t got nothin’ on Bob Cesca. Check out this satire on the Huffington Post.
Excerpt:
The president’s mother, Barbara Bush told reporters during a visit to Texas, “Those puppies were going to be used as fishing bait anyway, they’re much better off now. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! HA!”
D.
The O’Reilly pacifier . . .
Oh, how I wish I’d thought of this first.
Check out Jurassicpork’s blog today, LA Neoconfidential. George Bush as Sam Spade. ‘Nuff said. Don’t waste time here, click on the link.
D.
PS: While I’m at it:
Damn, Beth, I could hear that scream all the way over here half a freakin’ continent away. But your post reminded me of another great critter story. I’ll save it for another day, though; y’all are crittered out, I’m sure.
Review of Asimov’s, December 2005
For you SF fans, my review of Asimov’s December edition is up at Tangent.
I’ve been kvetching to my editor, Eugie Foster, about having to read so much mainstream SF, but honestly, this issue rocked. Two superb stories, and I mean top drawer (Damian Kilby’s “Earthtime”, and James Maxey’s “To the East, a Bright Star”), three good stories, and only one tale which required Mr. Snarkypencil.
I liked Kilby’s and Maxey’s stories best because of their rich sense of humanity. Which is a poofy way of saying, they wrote about believable human beings and made me care about them. I’m a sucker for heartstring-tugs, and both stories gave me lots of the good stuff.
Those two stories also gave me a better sense of what’s wrong with my current short, “Renee”. The damned thing lacks heart. I wrote it for one of Keith’s 500 word challenges, so I’d had to cut back on everything. Minimal description, bare bones characterization, everything pared down to the core idea. It’s a fine idea, but the story will be much better if I can give it a heart and soul.
Back to the drawing board.
D.
Formication
Subtitle: We be schleppin’ spiders
formication
An abnormal sensation as of insects running over or into the skin, associated with cocaine intoxication or disease of the spinal cord and peripheral nerves.
Vote with your wallets
No, this isn’t a plea for money. Not exactly.
You can defeat the Neocon machine. Doesn’t even matter if you’re American. You buy from American companies, right? When was the last time you sent money to Amazon?
Yeah, baby. That’s right. Amazon is a rightwing tool.
The hand that feeds
This is an old story from last May, but since some of you aren’t Trent Reznor fans, you may have missed it.
Trent’s band, Nine Inch Nails, had a spot on the MTV Movie Awards. They wanted Trent to perform The Hand that Feeds, the lead single from his new album, With Teeth.
Trent asked that a photo of George W. Bush be used as a backdrop for his performance.
Well, maybe not that photo. In fact, Trent has stated that the photo would have been “unaltered and straightforward”. I like the George-flipping-bird photo because it reminds us all what an uncouth jackass the man is.
Anyway, MTV refused to let NIN do this, saying it would politicize the Awards. Trent, stand-up guy that he is, pulled out of the festivities. Read more about this here.
Why did Trent want George’s mug as a backdrop? Oh, maybe because the song is all about Dubya. Here’s a bit of lyrics, and you can find the whole song here.
You’re keeping in step
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Because you do
What you’re told
But inside your heart it is black and it’s hollow and it’s coldJust how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?What if this whole crusade’s
A charade
And behind it all there’s a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine
Chorus.
D.
Why it pays to go to a board certified ear, nose, and throat doctor
Meanwhile, over at Chelicera, Karen reviews the gruesome history of the Mississippi Flood of 1927. (Don’t freak over the title. She’s being sarcastic. Or ironic. One of those.)
Those who don’t remember history are condemned to repeat it, right?
D.