Teach your children well

Sunday evening Skype:

[5:04:35 PM] Jacob Hoffman: btw do you wash sheets like clothes or what

[5:04:35 PM] Douglas Hoffman: hot wash

[5:04:49 PM] Douglas Hoffman: they don’t shrink, so why not use the hottest setting

[5:05:21 PM] Douglas Hoffman: first time washing your sheets, eh?

[5:05:30 PM | Edited 5:05:40 PM] Jacob Hoffman: yes lol

[5:05:36 PM] Douglas Hoffman: lol

[5:05:43 PM] Douglas Hoffman: try for once a quarter :)

[5:09:40 PM] Jacob Hoffman: how many “tide pods” should i use

[5:09:53 PM] Jacob Hoffman: i guess they’re detergent in pod form.

[5:10:52 PM] Douglas Hoffman: Do you have a box with instructions? My suspicion is you only need one pod even for a large load. Honestly, all you’re really doing is ridding your sheets of the oils and skin that you shed. There’s very little actual “dirt”. So even a hot wash without soap would probably get most or all of the job done. I’d do one pod.

[5:11:21 PM] Jacob Hoffman: oh, okay, it says to use 1 pac for most loads

[5:11:43 PM] Jacob Hoffman: although i only have two left and i also need to do my normal laundry, which i have to separate into white/colors

[5:12:47 PM] Douglas Hoffman: Don’t wash your sheets with your white clothes. They might bleed. If you have three loads and only two pods, I would tend to skimp on the sheet load rather than the clothing. Shirts in particular pick up body odors and need to be washed with soap. Underwear too.

[5:13:01 PM] Jacob Hoffman: ok

[5:13:14 PM] Jacob Hoffman: i’ll have to remember to buy more

[5:13:38 PM] Douglas Hoffman: i wonder if they sell it at the student union?

[5:13:55 PM] Jacob Hoffman: yes, they do, i just don’t want to walk all the way down there right now

[5:15:14 PM] Douglas Hoffman: your sheets will be fine. Hot wash, no soap.

[5:16:34 PM] Jacob Hoffman: do i clean the thingie that goes over the mattress

[5:16:48 PM] Douglas Hoffman: The fitted sheet, or the mattress pad?

[5:17:17 PM] Douglas Hoffman: The fitted sheet — yes. The mattress pad — don’t bother. Or at least, look for a tag to see if it’s even washable.

[5:17:47 PM] Jacob Hoffman: there’s two fitted sheets? the one that goes over the mattress pad and the ones that goes over that

[5:18:48 PM] Douglas Hoffman: “Fitted sheet” refers to the elastic at the corners. Closest to the mattress is the mattress pad. On top of that goes the fitted sheet, the one that can be a pain in the ass to fit to the mattress. Topmost is the “top sheet” which is a simple rectangle, no elastic at the corners.

[5:19:06 PM] Douglas Hoffman: BTW, I believe you have another sheet set in your huge dresser.

[5:20:01 PM] Jacob Hoffman: well there’s the thing that goes on the mattress pad and there’s the fitted sheet

[5:20:33 PM] Douglas Hoffman: not sure what you’re asking, then.

[5:21:00 PM] Jacob Hoffman: eh whatever

[5:21:33 PM] Douglas Hoffman: Aren’t there three separate items aside from the mattress

[5:21:57 PM] Douglas Hoffman: maybe you don’t have a mattress pad, just the fitted sheet and the top sheet?

[5:22:30 PM] Jacob Hoffman: i do have a mattress pad

[5:23:10 PM] Jacob Hoffman: i have the mattress pad, the thing that goes over the mattress pad, the fitted sheet, a regular sheet, and the big comforter thing

[5:23:45 PM] Douglas Hoffman: I recommend you only launder the regular sheet and the fitted sheet, and don’t worry about anything else.

[5:23:57 PM] Jacob Hoffman: not even the comforter?

[5:24:24 PM] Douglas Hoffman: why bother? It’s not like you have cats there. And besides, it’ll take bloody forever for the comforter to dry. Trust me on that.
[5:24:32 PM] Jacob Hoffman: well, okay

[5:25:01 PM] Douglas Hoffman: Unless you eat on your bed and you’re always getting crumbs and stains or whatever. Otherwise, it’s going to be more trouble than it’s worth

[5:25:04 PM] Jacob Hoffman: what about pillows, should i wash pillows

[5:25:15 PM] Jacob Hoffman: no i don’t have crumbs on my bed

[5:25:17 PM] Douglas Hoffman: PILLOW CASES. Not the pillows no no nooooooooooo

[5:25:27 PM] Jacob Hoffman: they have instructions…

[5:25:33 PM] Douglas Hoffman: The pillows do?

[5:25:46 PM] Douglas Hoffman: You’ll get lumpy assed pillows if you wash them. Nooooooooo

[5:26:10 PM] Douglas Hoffman: http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

[5:26:35 PM] Jacob Hoffman: “pre-wet the pillow by submerging in water and pressing all air out of the cover”
“place pillow in water set on gentle cycle and warm temperature”
“use 1/4 cup mild liquid detergent”

[5:26:47 PM] Douglas Hoffman: http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

[5:26:58 PM] Douglas Hoffman: Just the pillow cases. Really.

[5:27:01 PM] Jacob Hoffman: ok

[5:32:40 PM] Jacob Hoffman: hmm, my options are “whites” “colors” “bright colors” “woolens” “permanent press” and “knits and delicates”

[5:33:38 PM] Douglas Hoffman: You want me to blog this, don’t you? You’re just begging me to blog this. Blog whore.

[5:34:00 PM] Jacob Hoffman: how am i begging you to blog this

[5:34:07 PM] Douglas Hoffman: Because it’s just too funny

[5:34:08 PM] Jacob Hoffman: also what should i pick

[5:34:37 PM] Douglas Hoffman: I always wash sheets as “whites” (that’s the hot setting).

[5:34:55 PM] Douglas Hoffman: If you really care about the color of the sheets (and I don’t know why you should), you could wash them as colors

[5:35:29 PM] Jacob Hoffman: feel free to revive your blog from the grave

[5:35:38 PM] Douglas Hoffman: It’s okay with you?

[5:35:49 PM] Jacob Hoffman: it’s just laundry shenanigans…

And thus,



  1. Edwin says:

    He’s alive! Long time, no read.

    Oh, and those pods force you to use too much detergent. We always go for 1/4 of whatever the instructions direct.

  2. Shaina says:

    haahahahahaha. silly Jacob. this is why my parents made me start doing my own laundry in High School :P

    also i saw a thing on pinterest about washing pillows, just today. apparently if you put tennis balls inside of socks in teh dryer with them, they don’t get lumpy. i’m contemplating it, because my pillows look GROSS.

  3. Doug says:

    Edwin: yup, I’m alive. Currently trying to write TWO novels. Because doing a shitty job on just one novel is apparently not good enough for me.

    Shains: okay, I might just try that for funsies with a pillow I don’t care about.

  4. Dan says:

    Using tennis balls in socks (or the special rubber or silicon balls they sell for the same purpose), it will keep the pillows (or comforter) from getting lumpy, but it can also be rather noisy, especially if the dryer is somewhere near a room where you write or watch TV or try to take a nap or eat lunch or whatever.

  5. crystal says:

    Hi Doug. Long time :) Do you still have your ear, nose, and throat blog? wondering how to fix a blocked eustachian tube.

  6. Doug says:

    Hi Crystal!

    No, I got rid of all of my medical blogs. I just didn’t have the time to keep them updated.

    General strategy for Eustachian tube dysfunction:

    1. Figure out what the underlying pathology is. Is the problem from allergies? Treat the allergies. Sinusitis? Treat the sinusitis. Trouble is, frequently the problem lies in the ET itself.

    2. Ventilation tubes are used for persistent, symptomatic ETD that does not respond to the treatment suggested above, or if the ETD is due to something unfixable (tumor, history of radiation therapy, etc.)

    3. On the horizon, and available in a few areas in this country: balloon tuboplasty, where the surgeon inflates a balloon in the Eustachian tube to stretch it out. I have no firsthand knowledge of this, but what I’ve hard sounds very interesting.