Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Your typical seder
Passover approaches. No one invited me to a seder, and I doubt I’d go if I were invited. I haven’t been to a seder since the 1970s, back when both my grandparents were still alive.
Is your name Eliahu? Funny, you LOOK like a Peter to me.
It’s traditional to set out a plate of food for Eliahu (who might be the same as Elijah, I can never remember), and my crazy uncle would invariably eat that food as well as his own. This would always lead to a screaming fight between my grandparents and my uncle. We never had a seder without screaming. I’m not sure what it would look like.
There were certain things I liked and looked forward to with every seder. I liked the taste of matzoh dipped in saltwater, and I liked matzoh with red beet horseradish. Celery dipped in saltwater, that was good, too. Did my grandmother make tzimmes for Passover? If she did, I don’t remember it. And I suppose she made lamb, too, since that’s traditional. But I don’t recall the lamb, either.
My grandfather always hid the afikomen (a bit of matzoh — if you found it, you got a dollar) under the same cushion every year. Once I had been debriefed by my siblings, I had no trouble finding it.
And then there was my grandfather’s continual state of exasperation. He was only trying to work his way through the ritual, trying to read through the Haggadah like you’re supposed to, yet he was subjected to one interruption after another from my grandmother or my uncle. I think the whole thing made him very sad, or perhaps disgusted.
My grandmother never sat down to eat. She spent 90% of the seder in the kitchen, reserving the remaining 10% for serving food and screaming at my uncle. Considering that most of the food can be prepared well in advance, I have no idea what she was doing in the kitchen. Watering down the RC Cola, I suspect.
All in all, not a happy holiday. But then, I’ve never liked Passover, ever since I came to understand the story itself. No one (and that includes at least one rabbi and one orthodox Jew) has been able to explain to me why it’s okay for God to kill all the firstborn. They can’t all deserve to die. There are children, infants in that group, no? And after the first few plagues, God doesn’t even give Pharoah a chance to relent. God “hardened his heart.” As if God had a desired outcome in mind, and damned if Pharoah was going to screw it up by developing a conscience.
Maybe I’ll make a kugel, just for old time’s sake. And I’ll make it using butter, just so I can get some juicy hate mail.
Hey, Sis, anything to add?
D.
So here’s what I recall: the apple/walnut mixture which I can’t spell, Tzimmes (sweet potatoes/carrots) which I also can’t spell and gefilte fish which I always stayed away from. I think we also had matzo ball soup. Your description of our uncle and our grandmother is dead on. I liked my matzo slathered in butter but made soft first by wetting it down with water.
The saddest memory is our grandfather trying to “do it up right” and being defeated at it every year by our grandmother who would want to serve as quickly as possible, and our uncle. Randy and I had such a fit of giggles one year, we had to remove ourselves from the table; I liken it to laughing at a funeral.
Most of our family gatherings in that house were screaming matches.
People at work always ask me what I’m doing for Passover, and I always say nothing which is what I do…nothing.
Isn’t the apple walnut mixture haroset? (Where’s Shaina when I need her?)
Yeah, that’s it. I’m sure Shaina will respond to this; it’s right up her alley. I’ve found reecipes for this but never made it; have you?
Not even a clue as to how to comment on this other than to say that children are not oblivious, and to be mindful.
Mindful? Not in our family, but an important point for parents to note Lucie.
We were anything but oblivious. Schooled at an early age to recognize all the ugliness of life.
No, I’ve never made haroset. My Jewish food repertoire is limited to latkes and, on occasion, blintzes. I’ve made a cholent two or three times but I decided that a more standard stew is tastier than cholent. And I once made a decent kishke, which isn’t too difficult to do. Mmmm, kishke and gravy.
I haven’t made a noodle kugel in ages. I’ve always wondered: if I made it with homemade pasta (which is a lot lighter than store-bought), would the end result be less heavy than the usual kugel?
Haroset is tasty… we’ve enjoyed mixing Sephardic dishes into our Seders, and the Mediterranean Jews definitely have better haroset than the their Eastern European kinsmen.
I say you just haven’t been to the right Seder. One with pinko liberal atheist Jews who focus on the liberation aspects of the Seder, and who aren’t hung up on doing it exactly like their grandparents…
I agree with you about Pharoh, though. “And God again entered Pharoh’s heart, and hardened it” probably did more to set me on my way to atheism than almost anything else.
Gee, I wonder what drove your uncle crazy? 🙂
It sounds awful. I don’t blame you for not wanting to revisit such loud dysfunction.
Mental note to check out Sephardic haroset. Either that or attend one of YOUR Seders.
Dean, it runs in the blood.
hi! i’m here! i LOVE charoset…except i hate when people put other shit in it. charoset, to me, should be apples, red wine (maneschewitz, of course) and cinnamon. NOM. i have a permanent scar on my thumb from making charoset when i was 10–was peeling the apple, slipped, and peeled a chunk out of my left thumb instead. took me YEARS to get the courage to peel apples again! LOL.
i’m sorry your seder experiences were so horrible…mine have always been fun! one year when we were little, my grandma got props to use for the plagues–frog stickers, animal figurines with spots drawn on them, red food coloring to turn her water glass red for blood.
one year in more recent memory, my brother decided that whenever it was his turn to read (we go around the table and take turns) he would read in the voice of a Southern preacher. you know what i mean. it was HILARIOUS.
and we all sing and laugh and eat and yeah. it’s fun. matzah and apple kugel is one of my fave dishes. and my mom makes chocolate brownie merengues that are to DIE for. mmmmmmm.
i hear you about Pharaoh though. I feel like I know an argument for why G-d did that and it was okay…but I can’t think of it off the top of my head. maybe i’ll bring it up at one of our Seders, and see what people come up with 🙂
Shaina, if you ever hear a good explanation, let me know.
I’ll have to look up matzoh & apple kugel. That sounds pretty tasty, as does brownie meringues. RECIPES, I WANT RECIPES!
Well, there IS always the lame-o explanation . . . what was it, the book of Job where God says, “My thoughts are not your thoughts”? I.e., “Don’t try to understand why I do things.”