Medical quiz: Answers

Here at Balls and Walnuts, we’re tasty, testosterone-rich, and educational! Fill your mind with knowledge below the fold.

1. Name this condition:

A. Lipidopsia
B. Steatorrhea
C. Megagluteus
D. Steatopygia
E. Lipidolalia

Correct answer: D. Steatorrhea is fatty diarrhea. The others I made up, although ‘lipidolalia’ would doubtless refer to all those people who incessantly repeat, “Does my butt look fat? Does my butt look fat?”

Steatopygia is an inherited, non-pathologic accumulation of fat in the buttocks. Although common among the Khoisan of Africa, it is also seen among certain Hollywood celebrities.

I’m not naming any (J-Lo) names (J-Lo), but you get my point.

2. Intertrigo is

A. Entrapment of pubic hair during vigorous intercourse
B. A psychiatric term referring to compulsive circumlocution
C. Inflammation of the skin folds
D. Chronically ingrown armpit hairs
E. An exciting new board game from Milton Bradley

Correct answer: C, although if God were just, A would be correct. Wait a sec. That’s why God invented razors and Brazilians . . . so maybe God is just.

Intertrigo can affect any skin folds, but most often involves the skin beneath the breasts. You heard it here first. Maybe.

3. Chancroid is

A. A sexually transmitted disease caused by the bacterium Haemophilus ducreyi
B. A common feature of primary syphilis
C. A dilated blood vessel obstructing the male or female urethra
D. An outdated (Middle Ages) term for hoof and mouth disease
E. An exciting new board game from Milton Bradley

Correct answer: A. Some sexually transmitted diseases don’t sound all that bad. Syphilis, for example: it flows so trippingly off the tongue, like mellifluous, or benificent. You could embrace syphilis, put your tongue down syphilis‘s ear. Or spread it on your Wonder Bread, whatever floats your boat.

Not so chancroid. Part chancre, part hemorrhoid, the word sounds hideous. The disease isn’t much better. Anything that causes genital ulcers and groin abscesses can’t be a good thing.

4. Projax is

A. A drug (not approved by the FDA) whose sole purpose is to increase the volume of semen
B. A fourth generation cephalosporin antibiotic
C. The only medication on the market which helps men who are infertile due to immotile sperm
D. The third leading cause of blindness among adolescent males
E. An exciting new board game from Milton Bradley

If you guessed E, jolly good show! Projax is Milton Bradley’s way of resuscitating the ancient game of jacks.

I don’t know the name of the drug that increases semen volume. I tend to delete those emails.

5. What anatomical structure most closely resembles the snail shell, topologically?

Sorry for the easy one, but I love this picture.

A. The Islets of Langerhans
B. The fissures of Santorini
C. The punctum
D. The cochlea
E. The loop of Henle

The correct answer is D, the cochlea, the organ of hearing. The Islets of Langerhans are found in the pancreas; the fissures of Santorini are in the skull base; the punctum is in the inner corner of the eye — that’s where your tears drain; and the loop of Henle is found in the kidney.

6. A bezoar is

A. An impaction in the digestive tract, usually composed of hair, fabric, or other foreign material
B. A parasitic disease caused by Schistosoma malkinii
C. An abscessed groin lymph node
D. The result of vitamin B12 deficiency
E. A medicinal leech species still used by plastic surgeons

The correct answer is A. Bezoar is essentially the medical term for “hair ball.” There’s no such thing as Schistosoma malkinii, although in a perfect world, Michelle Malkin would have a parasitic disease named after her.

Vitamin B12 deficiency doesn’t have a sexy alternate name, like beriberi (vitamin B1 deficiency) or rickets (vitamin D deficiency). A shortage of B12 (cyanocobalamin) can cause several forms of anemia.

The Latin name of medicinal leeches is Hirudo medicinalis. Remember my leech story?

7. How might you acquire this parasite, the cause of anisikiasis?

A. By wading into the Orinoco River
B. By having sex with farm animals
C. By eating bad maguro
D. By eating bad carnitas
E. By drinking that worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle

The answer is C, of course: this is the parasitic disease you can get by eating poorly prepared sushi. If you answered A, you were probably thinking of candiru, the parasitic fishes that luuurve swimming into your urethra, and if you answered D, you were thinking of trichinosis, a parasitic disease acquired by eating pork from pigs that have been raised in less than sanitary conditions.

If you answered B, you’re a Republican, and you need to go to an appropriate deprogramming camp.

And if you answered E, the only thing wrong with you is worm breath.

8. Echolalia is

A. A pathological condition in which the patient repeats what another person says
B. A pathological condition in which the patient repeats what another person says
C. A pathological condition in which the patient repeats what another person says
D. A pathological condition in which the patient repeats what another person says
E. Stop that!

From Wikipedia:

Echolalia is the repetition or echoing of verbal utterances made by another person. A 1983 report indicated that up to 75% of verbal persons with autism have some form of echolalia,^[1] but it is also present in Tourette syndrome, developmental disability, schizophrenia and, occasionally, other forms of psychopathology. When done involuntarily, it is considered a tic.

9. The old term apoplexy is most closely approximated by the more modern term

A. myocardial infarction
B. epileptic seizure
C. apnea
D. cerebral hemorrhage
E. postconcussive syndrome

The correct answer is D. Don’t you love those old terms? Dropsy, quinsy, yaws . . . oh, I could go on and on.

10. St. Anthony’s Fire is caused by

A. gonorrheal urethritis
B. Spanish Fly consumption
C. handling monastery prayer books contaminated by the mold Aspergillus nigricans
D. Mycobacterium leprae
E. ingestion of ergot toxin

The correct answer is E. Also known as ergotism, a disease folks commonly acquire by eating moldy rye. Symptoms include painful seizures and spasms, diarrhea, and gangrene of the fingers and toes. Not to be confused with St. Vitus’ Dance.

That’s it, folks! And I agree with Corn Dog: all of you deserve your own WMDs (Walnut Medical Degrees). Hurry up and edit your resumes.

D.